Dear Clowns,

I would tell you that it isn't personal, but it is actually very, very personal. You see, I have been afraid of clowns since I was very young, just as a significant amount of people in this country are. Though the fear is more prevalent in children (probably because the makeup and the over-done cackling laughs are terrifying), 12 percent of adults in the United States are still afraid of you. And while you may be happy about that, none of us are.

You see, your colorful outfits and bushy neon hair should normally bring happiness and joy to someone's day. But pair with that a dark night, a dimly-lit street, and generally creepy behavior?--well, you've got a recipe for being freaked the heck out.

Your carefree giggles sound like threatening cackles, and your bouncing around is less fun and more terrifying. You're chasing cars, following people through parking lots, and stopping people on roads. That's not okay. You hear me? Not. Okay.

First, you started with the children. You lured them into the woods, made their parents scared to death, and took small towns by storm. But then you didn't stop, finding a new place to terrorize people in corn fields, back roads, alleyways, and parking lots.

Now, this entire letter isn't going to be a criticism of you clowns. I understand that for some of you, it's a job. And for some, it's a form of "self-expression". But, Halloween is coming up, and our normal level of "freaked the heck out" is going to be ten times worse. So please, for your own safety and well-being, hang up the red nose.

Again, I would tell you that it isn't personal, but it is actually very personal, especially since Halloween is coming up. And maybe, just maybe, instead of running around with a neon afro, red nose, and baggy polka-dot onesies, you could dress up as something altogether less creepy. Maybe one of these?

1. A firefighter

Everyone loves firefighters.

2. A ghost

White sheet, cut out eye holes, and BOOM, there you go.

3. Superman

Everybody trusts Superman.

4. A college student.

Just go a week without sleeping, wear some pajamas, and scream about coffee and research papers.

Honestly, you could dress up as just about ANYTHING other than a clown, and I'd be happy.

Sincerely,

A concerned citizen with a bad case of coulrophobia.