If someone had told me five years ago that I would be writing a letter to thank my chronic pain, I’d look at them with an insane death stare- yet here I am. I’ve learned, lost, won, and gained a lot, and it has shaped my life in more ways than I can explain, but I’m going to try.

When you’re 16 years old, all you care about is the social factor in high school- wanting to fit in yet somehow trying to find yourself, which is a contradiction itself. Due to the chronic pain I had during this time of my life, I realized the people I thought I could lean on weren’t there in my time of need. I realized others were truly there for me no matter the circumstances. This opened my eyes to the real world of how people act; some people put on a mask and only pretend to be there while, others show what “ride or die” truly mean. So chronic pain, thank you for shining the light on who my true friends really were, and revealing those who weren’t. To the friends I have lost along the way, thank you. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be the confident person I have turned into. To the friends who have been there through everything, thank you for sticking around.

When thinking about how things would be different if you had not entered my life, I realized that certain events wouldn’t have taken place and certain people wouldn’t be in it. If I had gone through high school like a regular student, I would not be on the path I am today. I wouldn’t have met my best friends. I wouldn’t be at college meeting amazing people. All of this, because of you, chronic pain.

You put me through a very challenging experience, from choosing what I wanted to wear every day to be choosing which treatment I wanted. The challenging days are not yet fully behind me, but I have come a long way since then and I thank you for helping me find my voice. I thank you for giving me the power to defend myself from others by making me defend myself from you. I learned a lot about advocating for myself and to not rely on others to speak for myself.

I would not have learned about the world if it weren’t for you. Sometimes good things can come out of a bad situations- I always had to keep my head up and to keep pushing through them. The world throws curveballs when we aren’t looking or aren’t ready for them. Having to deal with the curveballs you have thrown at me has enabled me to handle life’s other sporadic curveballs. I look around and see how far I have come since I was that scared 16 year old, not even sure what was going on with my own body. Yet, I am proud to say that I thank you for steering me in the direction you did.

Although this is a thank you letter, I want to be clear that I don’t want you to stay, and that you will never control me the way you did back then. Yes I was able to learn a lot through the experience looking back, but you have taken a large part of my life, so by saying thank you, I’m saying goodbye. Goodbye to the anxiety you created, the scars you left, and the hold that you have had on me. I know you might pop in for a visit, but you are no longer here to stay.