Dear Guy:

We had a good time. Everything was going great. I was happy, you were happy. It was everything I had always dreamed of. For once in my life, I felt I was worth something. I felt like I could trust, confide in someone, and I was good enough. All my insecurities seemed so dumb to even have before because you made me see and think the best of myself. Then I found out about her. At first, I asked you about her and you lied. You told me she was just a friend and you actually got mad at me for asking about her. It got to the point where I just thought I was crazy for thinking there was anything going on between you and her. I thought I was paranoid because I trusted you and I gave you my all. Then everything changed. Our relationship, it became toxic. There was constant fighting and arguing. No matter what I did or said I was wrong. You told me I was wrong. I would tell you how you made me feel and you’d tell me I was just throwing a pity party and once again I believed you because I trusted you, so why stop now. I’ll admit I wasn’t a perfect person. You brought out the worst in me. I said things I would have never dreamed of saying to someone. But the difference was, I had remorse, I felt horrible about the things I said, and I apologized repeatedly. I even started apologizing for no reason hoping things would get better and for some time, they did.

Then you started ghosting me. This hurt me more than anything because how could you just ignore someone who means so much to you for days. I lied awake at night, sometimes all night, waiting for a replying, making excuses for you as to why you weren't talking to me. And when you finally replied and we finally talked, it was just more fighting. More of you putting me down, yelling at me, telling me how wrong I was and pointing out every flaw I could ever have. Then you told me you were leaving. After everything no matter what I did or said, you left, you left me for her. But you didn’t tell me she was the reason. You told me the cliché line “it’s me, not you”. I told you I didn’t want it to be this way and how I didn’t believe it was supposed to be this way and you agreed with me. You said you didn’t think it was supposed to be this way either and you hope down the road it could be different between us. But if that were true then why were you leaving me? Why couldn’t you ever speak to me? Why were you being so mean to me? Was I the problem in this situation and I just didn’t see it?

You left me like I meant nothing to you. You were off happy with some other person and I was left alone and heart-broken. I felt like I wasn’t good enough, matter of fact, you told me I wasn’t good enough and why she was so much better than me. All my insecurities you took away came back quicker than you left, but worse than before. You didn’t care about me, my feelings or what you were doing to me. It was like I was just some toy and when you got tired of me, you threw me away like all your other old toys. How could this be? You were happy and I was the farthest I had ever been from happiness. I kept replaying everything, every memory, every conversation, every word. I was trying to figure out where I went wrong, what I did wrong. Could I have said or done something so you would stay or even care about me? Even though you said it was you, I didn’t believe it because of all the awful things you said to be that led up to that.

For the longest time, I understood you didn’t want to be with me anymore and how I wasn’t good enough for you and never would be, but I still wanted you in my life. I wanted my best friend who I could tell my deepest darkest secrets back in my life. I fought, I fought like hell for even a conversation with you, to just be friends with you. But once again you didn’t want that. You constantly yelled at me and told me how awful of person I was for trying. Even though I know the words you said was just to hurt me so I would leave you alone, were imprinted in my mind and they hurt me more than anything had ever hurt me in my life. You said some of the meanest and cruelest things anyone had ever said to me before. And the worst part is, I believed you. I believed everything awful you said about me. My friends and family hated you. I should have hated you, but I didn’t. I don’t hate you and I don’t think I ever could. Actually, it got to the point that I hated myself for still loving you and caring about you after what you said and did to me. You did something I never believed was possible, you broke me.

Then I found out you did the same thing to the girl you left me for. Everything changed. I saw you for you. I saw you for the childish games you play. I realized I wasn’t the problem, you were. I realized none of it was my fault, it was all yours and now you’re the one who will be hurting and missing me. You were cruel to me over and over again and I was just blind to it. You left a girl who would have given you the world. You walked away from a girl who puts everyone before herself. You took advantage of a girl who would have never hurt you. You walked away from the person, who would have always been there through thick and thin because this is how she was raised. That girl would have never walked away from you or even a fight without resolving it first. The person who saw the absolute best in you, you threw away like she was nothing. But I want you to know I forgive you. You never said sorry. You showed no remorse for the things you said and did, but I do forgive you. I forgive you for breaking my heart. I forgive you for making me feel the way you did and all around destroying me. I forgive you for all the cruel things you said to me. I forgive you for everything.

With that being said, I want to thank you. Thank you for showing me how happy I am capable of being. Thank you for showing me how I deserve to be treated by a person. Thank you for leaving me all alone with no one because it taught me to put myself first, it taught me to be independent. I thought I needed someone, I thought having you would make me happy, but I am happy alone now and that is thanks to you. Thank you for leaving me and giving me the opportunity to meet new people and one day give someone the world, the world you didn’t want. Thank you for making me an even better person than I ever thought I could be. I was wrong. It wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough for you, it was you weren’t good enough for me. This is because you threw away the amazing girl to just go and play games with other girls. Something I would never do.

I now know how I deserve to be treated and it is nowhere near how you treated me, no one deserves to be treated that way. I haven’t brought myself to be able to trust anyone again, but I know that will come in time. I believe everything in life happens for a reason and I believe I met you and went through all the pain to make me stronger than I ever could have been. I know now I had to go through an experience of someone treating me so awful to learn how I deserve to be treated from someone. I thought I was strong before but not compared to what I am now. I don’t hate myself anymore nor do I hate you because I know there was a great reason why I went through what I did. You made me an even better person than I ever thought I could be.

Every night I pray and I hope you find happiness, I hope you stop playing the games you play with people’s hearts. And more importantly, I pray you learn, how to be honest and tell the truth, so you don’t do to anyone else what you did to me. I’m not saying I’m over it because frankly, there are still nights I get upset, lie awake thinking to myself what I could have done or even if the things you said about me were true. Even though I still go through those phases now and then, I’ve moved on and realized I didn’t lose in this situation, you did.

Sincerely,

The girl who is better now because of you