We never dated. I never talked to you as we passed each other in the high school hallways. I never ran into you anywhere. We didn’t even talk in person for years. Solely through social media, two strangers became good friends who then realized they might mean more to each other than they ever intended to. We both have always lived completely separate lives and were always with someone else, but still, you were always there for me. The world made me feel lonely a lot of the time, but I was never really alone. We don’t even talk anymore because we’ve said all that we have to say and it got us nowhere. But for the longest time, my heart just wanted you to have a 'Ross' moment and say my name instead of hers.
I knew you would be there to talk at the end of each day, because that’s just what we did. I never told you intimate details about myself or all the shit I've gone through in the past because I didn't have to. We would just make small talk and you were always there to fill the void. In the beginning, it meant absolutely nothing…you were maybe a crush at most. You were just a person to pass time talking to. But several years have gone by and you became everything to me without you or I even knowing or allowing it to happen - it just did.
Do you think I wanted to think about you? Do you think I wanted to feel this way? I didn't want to care and I don't want you to be a part of my thoughts whatsoever. But that's the thing about love; you have no control over it. You don't decide when it happens; it just does. It will either be the greatest thing you ever experience in your lifetime, or it will obliterate you from the inside out. It has the power to emotionally destroy you if you allow it. And I did for awhile.
I catch myself thinking about you every now and then - your crooked smile when you say some snide comment; your gorgeous eyes that were one of my first memories of high school; and the fact that we could talk about nothing for hours, unaware that it would ever turn into something more. But talking about nothing only goes so far, so we started to push each other's boundaries a little bit. We were never straightforward with each other...probably because we were afraid of rejection or even the idea of caring for one another; at least I was. So we turned to arguing and fought over the most ridiculous things, without ever actually saying what we really wanted to. I spent the last couple years telling myself that you were just a friend; that there's nothing there. No matter what I might've felt, I believed my words were stronger than my feelings.
But the night I stood there outside of your car, kicking rocks as I learned that you're living with her, I realized that what I never wanted to happen and what I told myself was untrue for so incredibly long, was reality. I was so angry at you that I couldn't bring myself to talk to you anymore. I don't hate you, but I hate the fact that I was in love you. You didn't do a dang thing to deserve my love, but guess what; you had it. For the longest time, I’ve been waiting to just meet a decent guy. Hilarious fairy tale dreams, I know. But I finally understood why I hadn't been able find what I want for the longest time. It was because you already had my heart. Because for some God-forsaken reason, I was in love with you.
Why did you have to come into my life in the first place? Why did you ever have to be there for me? Why did you make me feel like I mattered to you even though you were careful enough to not to ever tell me? The only explanation I can come up with for why we're in the places we're in right now is that the girl you're with finally makes you happy. You're happy and it doesn't matter what girl fills those shoes as long as the situation makes you comfortable because true happiness is all you've ever wanted. I know because you told me. You don't care who makes you happy, as long as it's someone within arm's reach. I'm just oh-so happy for you and to know that it was so easy to push me aside; it's a good feeling.
I'm not going to ask if all those years meant anything to you, because I didn't give them a second thought myself…but I will wonder. Because why would someone ask a stupid question when they know exactly what the answer will be? You've become predictable, and with that, I know you will never tell me what I want to hear. I know I will never get the response I need to hear. You're not ever going to choose me. You're not going to drop everything and fly a thousand miles to see me and tell me that you feel the same way. I will never hear the words I want to hear. You’ve moved on and the only choice I have left is to move on too.
