To the boy who broke my heart,
When I think of you, there are so many thoughts that run through my mind. How have you been? How is college? Do you still have the same major, or did you change it again? How’s your family? Are you achieving your dreams and goals? And so on.
Sometimes I think about you when I wake up, and I wonder how you slept. Sometimes I think about you when I can’t sleep, and I wonder if your mind is racing like mine and if you’re wide awake, too. Sometimes throughout the day, if something happens, I automatically think of you and want to tell you all about it.
You were my person. You were who I told everything to. You were a part of me. I shared everything with you. You knew all of my secrets, my favorite color, my passions, my favorite basketball team, my favorite ice cream, my favorite food (even though it was usually a chicken tender kids meal), the name of my stuffed animal and blanket that I still have. You knew how many kids I wanted, and you knew my favorite series on Netflix. You knew how to make me laugh, you knew how to calm me down, you knew when I needed space and when I just needed a hug and to hear you say “it’s all gonna be okay.” You knew me better than I knew myself, and you knew how to handle me better than I knew how to handle myself.
You began to become such a normal part of my day. I knew when I woke up that I’d have a message from you. I knew that no matter how long you had to work or how many baseball games you had that you’d make time to see me. I knew we’d probably go get a milkshake or a slushy and then go watch Netflix. I knew that no matter the time of the day, you’d always be there. You were always a phone call away, and every day I looked forward to seeing you blush and smile just from me looking at you. I looked forward to being able to run and jump into your arms even though I just saw you 12 hours before.
Everything about you was great. You knew my flaws, and you accepted them. You knew my standards and values, and you respected them. You knew my boundaries and how I always like to play it safe, but you accepted that as a challenge. You made me realize that spontaneous isn’t always a bad thing, and sometimes it’s okay to lighten up. You knew what I wanted to do with my life, and you supported me 100 percent and always reminded me that I could do anything. You were everything I ever wanted in a guy, but then you stopped.
It wasn’t all at once. At first it was just our busy schedules that got in the way. College happened, and we didn’t have as much free time. I stopped getting phone calls from you more and more each week until they no longer came at all. Good morning messages consisted of a “Hey, I’m running late for class.” And our conversations throughout the day slowly dwindled into a message every four hours or whenever you felt the need to grace me with your response. The weekends no longer meant me and you; they meant you’d go out and do whatever you wanted, and I’d stay in wondering what time you’d actually make it back to your apartment. You slowly stopped making time for me, and made it seem as if we didn’t even date. But you never failed to make sure each night you told me that you loved me just to reassure me that “everything was alright.”
You were no longer excited to see me, and hearing my voice on the phone just wasn’t all that special anymore. I stopped being your person, and I began knowing less and less about you. I was no longer the girl that you’d make road trips for or take on a date. I was no longer much of anything to you besides a title that was “weighing you down.”
As the weeks went on, you only continued doing these things more and more. I hadn’t heard your voice in weeks and I hadn’t seen you in a month. I never knew if you were at work, the gym or even in class because I simply no longer knew you. Before it was ever officially over, I knew that I had already lost you. I didn’t need it to be spelled out for me -- your actions already indicated how you felt. The boy I fell in love with no longer existed. The boy I thought I’d spend forever with had suddenly changed.
Although I’ll always wonder why and want answers, I know I’ll never get them. And even though I’ll try to justify why it is that I became worthless to you, I know that it was never my fault.
I’ve sat around wondering what it was that I did, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I didn’t do anything. I was still the same girlfriend who’d wake up and send you sweet messages. I still wrote you sweet letters, and I’d still tell you about my day. I still made time for you, and I still did the little things that made you fall in love with me initially. I would take the blame for the arguments just to keep them from continuing. I would make compromises in order to make you happy. In all of our problems, I would sit and think about them in every way possible to see if I could do anything to fix them. And even when you slowly stopped trying, I never did. Even when you didn’t call me or give me the time of day, I never gave up on you, and I never gave up on us. I made a promise that I’d always try, and that was a promise I intended to keep.
I promised you that I would always be your best friend and tell the truth, and I did. I promised that I would love you with my whole heart, and I did. I promised you that I would be faithful, and I was. I promised to support you in everything you wanted to do even when others didn’t understand, and I did. I promised to never give up on us, and I didn’t. I promised to always be there for you, and that promise still holds true today.
Although you broke my heart, I don’t value you any less. I refuse to act as if you don’t exist. My words will never be able to describe the happiness you made me feel at the beginning of our relationship, and the pain that you brought me at the end of it only allowed me to be as strong as I am today.
You see, you’re not just the boy who broke my heart. You’re the boy who allowed me to find myself all over again. You breaking my heart broke me completely, and although that came with countless nights of me crying myself to sleep, it also came with strength and a new definition of myself that I didn’t even know existed. And for that, I thank you.
Wish you the best,
The girl who is no longer lost in you, but lost in herself
