I have lived 25 years without my father. There were countless nights that I would wait for him to show up, but he didn’t. I also wondered if my feelings would have been different if I did not know him at all, if he simply didn’t exist. As harsh as that may sound, that is the battle I had with myself growing up. My mother was always honest with me about the relationship she had with my biological father. But I had to accept the fact that I would never truly know his side on why he left. Now at 25, he wants to have the relationship I wanted with him when I was 7 years old.

He was the type of man who showed up when he wanted, when it was convenient for him.

But there is no such thing as a convenient father. Where was he when I thought I needed him most? He kept multiple secrets – because of him I didn’t know I had an older sister until I was 12 years old; then 10 years later, I found out that I also had an older brother, a niece, and a nephew. I have strained relationships with each of my siblings, and I hav him to blame for that. There are answers I know I’ll never receive.

So I write this letter…

Dear –

I don’t know what it’s like to wait at the window for you to pull into the driveway, and as you enter the door, I run into your arms screaming, “Daddy.” I use to dream about that moment as a child, hoping that one day I’d know. But you know what I cherish more than anything in the entire world –? I cherish the countless moments that my mother showed up.

As much as I wanted my father, I didn’t need one. I didn’t need you. She never missed a beat. When I was born one pound premature, my mom nursed me back to health. She was there for my entire first everything. I also have my grandmother to thank as well, because when my mom was not readily available, she was. I cannot forget my uncles either. They were the greatest men figures in my life, aside from my grandfather and this wonderful man named Steve. So, you missed it, you missed the best parts about me.

Now, I am getting married next year to a woman. Yes, I am openly attracted to women and I am proud to have the courage to say it aloud. I remember the day I told you, I was 21 years old at the time, and we were eating at a restaurant. You looked at me with disgust, and said, “Oh boy, I’ll pray for you and that you will change soon.” It was a slap in the face.

I recently told you I was getting married, and you hoped that it wasn’t with “that girl” as you say. I’m not sure what bothers me more, than the fact that you don’t accept my lifestyle or the fact that you were not around. I am grateful to have mother who loves me unconditionally. She accepts me and has been super mom for as long as I can remember. The best part is that the relationship I have with my mom has grown so much more. But I forgive you, and I thank you because God knows my heart.

Rashad Orumwense