To Whom It May Concern:
Let me preface this letter by stating what you have hopefully already figured out by this point in college…you are the luckiest person in the world, my friend. If you have not only had the chance to meet these achingly incredible people, but to actually get to know them and consider them as friends, I would like to formally congratulate you – you have just won the best friend lottery. Leaving these bitches, the 5 people who not only are the sole reason I stayed at my high school but actually changed the entire course of my life, was truly the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I know that it might sound dramatic, but these girls aren’t just my friends, they’re as close to me as my biological family. While I envy the fact that you get to spend college, a time that most people call “the best time of your life” with them, I am comforted in knowing that my absence is your presence. These girls are special, completely abnormal breeds of super people that I honestly consider God-sent, so just know that if they’ve welcomed you into their lives, you must be fantastic.
If you’re still talking to them 2 months into college then I’m sure there are things you’ve become aware of and if you haven’t, I’m here to enlighten you on. First, despite the miles between us, we are still just as obsessed with each other as we have always been and if the obnoxious amount of stories we tell about our #squad is already bothering you, I can pretty much tell you that your friendship will be short lived.
Second, our separation from one another makes our amount of communication even more necessary and if at any given time one of us needs each other, expect everything we are doing to be dropped.
Next, if you start to appear more than a couple of times on any form of one of our social media accounts, you should not only expect an immediate follow and thorough stalk of your Instagram, but we are also going to assume a friendship between the two of us as well. By this I mean we are not only going to like and comment on everything you post (ESPECIALLY when it’s with one of our crew members), but we will probably get your number, form inside jokes with you, and know everything crazy college decision you have made (which will only make us like you more). I mean, any friend of one of my best friends is a friend of mine and a friend I definitely want to have. This leads me to my next point…you should know that any time you visit one of us outside of college it guarantees that you will be meeting all of us in full squad mode. Of course, we will treat you as an honorary group member and embrace you with open arms (and free vodka), but prepare to be overwhelmed by our excitement towards meeting you and the assumption that we’re also best friends.
In addition to all of this, as I have spent questionable amounts of time with these people, I can tell you now that none of us are perfect. Don’t let an unimportant flaw end your new friendship, chances are you’re probably annoying them too and they’ve already texted our group chat about what you did to piss them off. But don’t worry, as you and I are now besties also, we don’t actually always side with them and will almost always encourage and promote your newfound friendship (however 100% friend group disapproval usually results in immediate termination of so called friendship, so don’t piss them off too bad).
In saying all of this, I am brought to my last and final point of calling immediate bridesmaid dibs. While I know my bitches are your bitches now, too, when wedding season comes around it will be crucial that we work together to coordinate our weddings MONTHS apart from one another because, despite your friendship, I kind of get superior dibs.
As I conclude this letter to you lucky people, I not only hope that I didn’t scare you off but that you understand how incredibly blessed you are to have met the absolute coolest people in the entire world. No, our obnoxious friendship rings and questionable amounts of pictures together aren’t going anywhere, but with that just know that we cannot wait to get to know you, embrace you, and love you just as much as they do. You people have filled a void within all of us as we have separated from one another; because of that we are comforted in knowing you will love our girls as much as we do and be there for them when physical separation makes us incapable to give them a hug, wipe their tears, or destroy the asshole who hurt them. Good luck and have fun my friend, winning a million dollar lottery couldn’t compare to the lottery you’ve just won.
Sincerely, Our Squad
