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An Open Letter To The Aunt I Lost

It will never get easier, will it?

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An Open Letter To The Aunt I Lost
Ameliabert.com

I have to admit that this isn't going to be easy. I know that I'm going to shed some tears while bearing my soul for the world to see but that's okay.

It's okay to feel like this, it's okay to cry when you need to. I'm not ashamed of it, but I know this is going to be a lot harder than I am expecting. Maybe it's because I'm three years overdue, or the fact that I'll never get over your death. Of course it is both of them wrapped into a nice package that sits in my brain to remind me every day.

Losing someone you love is one of the hardest things about life. Actually, it is the hardest thing ever. You no longer get to see their face, hear their voice, or cherish your time with them. Instead, you are saved by memories, phone calls, and photographs. You have to rely on everything you have experienced with that person to remember them.

Now I want to share a story about my Aunt Cathy. She was a one of kind, wonderful, warm and caring person, probably one of the best I've ever met. My family gathers every holiday at my Grandma's for dinner, she was already holding me when I was only two months old with a glow on her face. She had been married to her high school sweetheart, had two amazing children, lived for her four grandchildren, worked a steady jobs and was surrounded by friends. In March of 2015, my family and I had lost her.

It was something very unexpected, threw my family into panic and had happened so quickly that no one could even comprehend the situation. My Aunt had suffered a stroke, fell into a coma and take off of live support days later as she was never going to wake up. With tears in my eyes and streaming down my face I can say this is going to be heartbreaking and how am I going to finish this?

The first time I spent the night at someone's was at my Aunt's house. I had stayed with two of my cousins and we had a fun time out of the whole situation. She didn't care that she watched all of us, she loved her family. We all went shopping and my Uncle told us that wax vampire teeth turned into bubblegum (Which it didn't, thanks Uncle John!). I remember her yelling at him for tricking us and we all had the biggest laugh.

I will always remember her for the little things like that. Her business room that was full of Disney movies, pencils, characters, dolls and anything else you could imagine. Her Christmas hairstyle where she spiked the back and put red and green color on the spikes. The time we went to Home Depot and you cranked Follow Me by Uncle Cracker in the car and I about died from how loud it was. Now we can't forget the famous "Aunt Cathy" Kiss as I liked to call it. The way you would grab my two cheeks and forced me to kiss you goodbye because you knew I hated giving kisses. Or when you used to call everyone baby whenever you'd talk to someone.

I can recall the last two times I spoke to you before this unfortunate moment and I wanted to relive them in joy. The first memory was when you called me as you were doing my taxes and needed college information. I hadn't looked at the email I had gotten or the info you needed and you told me I was silly for which reason I didn't know. You told me you loved me when we hung up and later when I texted you everything. That's the kind of person you were, you made sure to make a connection with someone.

The last time I saw you was Christmas of 2014 and I'm glad I have a funny memory of you. I remember going to my Grandma's room for my jacket because my family would throw our jackets on her bed. Little did I know you Aunt Cathy were lying there and when I reached for my sweater I about had a heart attack. I didn't see you and it scared me after I realized there were two eyes staring at me. You were laughing so hard and I started laughing with you. That was the laugh time I saw you, you were laughing and smiling. Did I think that was the last time I'd ever see you? Of course not and it breaks my heart that it happened.

The reason I want to share my story is because I have deep regrets over something. Nothing big, nothing major but something that I didn't do. I will admit that I am haunted by it almost every other day especially when I'm trying to fall asleep at night. Even though you were a light in everyone's life, now it became a dark part of mine. It's hard not to cry when I think or even speak of you. There are things I see on TV that's hard to watch, I hate visiting someone in the hospital.

The day my Aunt had been in the hospital my entire family wasn't sure what was going on, even the doctors. Her condition was constantly changing from okay, to bad, to worse to impossible. I don't want to get into that many details out of respect for everyone so I'm going to try and explain this gently. When my sister and I walked into the room I had already been crying all day. It isn't until you see that person helpless that it really hits you straight in the gut.

She had been in a coma for a little while and her condition was stable. When something like that happens you fear the worse because half of the time it doesn't get better. As we sat there I couldn't bear to look at her, I avoided it the entire time. I had a glance here and there but it broke my heart to see her. For one good part she could hear the things we could tell her. My sister had told her that we were there and that we loved her. What did I tell her? Nothing...

I had gone downstairs to get something to drink and to give myself some space to breathe. All the sad crying faces was starting to get to be and I officially thought that I had cried so much that I didn't have any tears left. When I got back to the ICU floor my Dad had told me we were leaving. We had already been there for a few hours and it was time to go. I nodded and said okay. My sister then told me that I needed to go say goodbye, I shook my head. She told me and I can remember clearly "Reanna, you need to say goodbye to her"

I should have known at that moment that things weren't going to change. She wasn't going to get better, she wasn't going to wake up. My Aunt Cathy was now just a shell breathing, surviving. I still said no and my Dad told me that it was okay because he understood where I was coming from.

What was my excuse? I said I couldn't...And I regret it. My parents and sister had gone to the hospital the next day and I stayed home. Why? Because I couldn't do it again. I couldn't sit in the white hospital staring, crying, holding my breath that a miracle was going to happen. About three days later we received a phone call at eleven at night saying she had passed.

I was coward, I am a coward. That is the way I see it. I know she's watching over me shaking her head saying that I'm being silly or even outrageous. I know she would understand and would not hold anything against me. My Aunt Cathy would be smiling down saying that it's okay but why isn't it?

I should have said goodbye. I should have held her hand or kissed her one last time. Instead I didn't and that is something that haunts me and will follow me the rest of my life.

Instead of me wishing, dreading and hating myself for what I didn't do, I want to remember her the best way possible. Whether it be the infectious laugh, hard tack candy she made, or the beautiful smile, I will love and miss her always and forever.

"Because in the end when you lose somebody, every candle, every prayer is not going to make up for the fact that the only thing you have left is a hole in your life where that somebody that you cared about used to be"-Damon Salvatore.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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