I owe you an apology. The relationship that you and I have had has not been a picture perfect one. For years I have looked at you millions of times, and not once have I been nice to you. I have looked at other bodies, and constantly told you that you were not good enough because you did not look like them. I have never been satisfied with the way you are.
I am sorry for the way I treat you. I fill you with things that I know are not good for you. Some are toxic, some are just not nutritions, but I constantly feed you unhealthy things, and tell you things that are far worse than what I feed you. You are not worthless, you are not ugly, you are not undeserving of love. You do not deserve the things that I have said to you, and the way I have treated you. I know I only love you when I am not worried about how much space you are taking up, but you are not my enemy. Most of my life has been spent fighting you, hiding you, pretending you didn't look the way you do. You do not deserve that. I do not deserve that. Many times, I have told you that you are made of fat and are shameful. Those were lies. I have spent most of my time pretending I had a different body, but you never once gave up on me. You are a temple, and I have spent too long trying to tear you down. Now, its time I should start trying to build you up.
You do not have to change to be worthy of anything. You are beautiful. You are usable. Your bones are made of strength and you are coated in beauty. I am sorry for trying to fit you into the mold society told me you should fit in to. Every uncomfortable bra that promised to add two sizes, tight pair of spans that promised to take away two sizes, hair dye that promised to make my eyes seem two shades lighter, or blister enducing heels that promised to add two inches were only put on you because I didn't know how to accept you when you weren't what the world told me you should be. I thought hiding you would be easier than accepting you.
After hiding you, I got mad at you. I punished you for growing and being exactly what you are. I felt like you had betrayed me because you didn't grow where i wanted you to, but grew too much where I didn't want you to. I spent countless number of hours thinking my life would be better if you were just different, when I could have made life better just by celebrating what you are.
You are a temple, a house, a refuge, but most of all- you are mine. You bend and fold and stretch and go in every way I tell you to. You do not try to fight me back even after all of these years of me fighting you.
I am sorry for all of these things. Our relationship will not always be perfect. Loving you every second of every day will take a lot of time. Treating you the way you deserve to be treated will be hard, but I'm going to try, 'cause we're in this together for the long haul. You're the only body I will every get, and I'm so lucky to have a body as great as you.
