Pretty…handsome…no thanks…I would say these words to myself as I swiped left and right through what felt like a million and one profiles at that point. Tinder, what a crazy app, full of douchey guys who take an endless amount of pictures of their abs and girls who still think that it's attractive to do the duck face. I knew I did not belong on this app because I was nowhere close to looking for "just a hookup, or to party, or smoke weed" with another stranger. Yet here I was looking into dating someone and setting my expectations too high for a 20-year-old.
Once I got a notification that I matched with a tall, blonde and thin guy on Tinder I decided to message him. We ended up going on a couple of dates and eventually became a couple. Sure he was nice, intelligent and handsome, but I did not feel like I connected with him on a personal and soulful level. So after a whole month, I decided to break it off because I knew that the relationship would not escalate into anything greater.
A few months later I decided to try again, this time it was an app designated for women to search for women. I was a little hesitant because I was new to this side of the dating world. I had just come out as bisexual to my family and friends a couple of weeks prior before deciding to download this app. I kept scrolling feeling like a lost puppy, that was until I found a girl.
Once again we messaged each other and met up for our first date. This time I felt a little bit more of a connection and after a few meetups, we decided to date. I felt positive energy and high hopes with her… until I didn't. You see I lost respect for her after she started to treat me poorly and became more selfish than Ebenezer Scrooge. She would make fun of some of the things I did and or said (and not in a cute joking way). My anxiety started to consume me and I knew I was in a toxic relationship at that point. My grades in school started to fall significantly and I started missing class because she required more attention than most. I was focusing so much on her that I was starting to steer away from taking care of myself in nearly every way.
Eventually I lost all feelings for her and made the imperative decision to leave her. I blocked her from social media and my phone. After I did these things I felt myself feel physically lighter, like I could finally put my energy into things that would build me up without anyone dragging me down. My attention went towards things that made me happy such as playing guitar, singing, painting, and writing.
After a short time of self-recovery, I was still wanting to get back into the dating world. I downloaded a couple of more apps, talked to cute guys, and went on dates with them only to realize that while talking to them I still felt unhappy and a little lost.
I decided to give up on these apps completely, but just as I was about to delete one, I received a beautiful message from a gorgeous girl that made my heart skip a beat. A few days later we met up and I thought to myself I'll give this one more chance. The date didn't feel forced; as a matter of fact, I knew that it was the best date that I have ever been on because I found myself smiling nearly the entire time. The conversations flowed and gave me those cheesy butterflies that I haven't felt about anyone in the past. It's not every day that you meet someone who shares similar thoughts and interests as you.
I almost gave up on online dating, but I'm glad I held on just a little while longer because she has to be the sweetest person that I have ever met. We are still talking today and I cannot wait to spend more time with her. She naturally eases my anxiousness just by being herself. We can effortlessly laugh, play music together, make art, dance, and talk endlessly about random topics for hours. That's the kind of love that I want, a selfless one that does not require too much thought but rather a lot of genuine feelings. A love where she can be my best friend and a soulmate. When we feel on top of the world or on rock bottom, I want a love that will last.
