After graduation, one tends to reflect upon the people one has met and the experiences one has had and, as with any place, some things stand out more than others. One memory is of a girl who never seemed to want the other person to have had a better story than her—on any subject. Without giving any details about when she graduated or what circles she ran in, she spent significant time with groups in which I had hung out. What struck me so profoundly was her inability to reconcile the fact that perhaps someone else’s experience with something was more extreme than her own interaction with a similar circumstance. Often, I still recall these storytelling sessions to ponder why it was she saw fit to dismiss others’ stories with her own, to be the dreaded social monster known as “The One-Upper.”
And no, it wasn’t even a sweet cheerleading competition either. Nobody won.
But people are not merely looking to tear someone else down because tearing others down itself is their goal. Rather, it would seem from social research, and more obviously from anecdotal experience, the desire to tear other people and their accomplishments down stems from the misguided notion that it advances them in some way, notwithstanding the reality of the impending consequences.[1] If each of us honestly analyzed our own lives, we would probably find plenty of examples of our own habits in which we spite our friends or loved ones even to gratify a selfish insecurity. But what gives us cause to do so? Why must we separate ourselves from others in order to feel acceptable?
On one hand, it is an interesting contrast between the groupthink of nation-states or cultural icons against the fierce cry for individuality. Even more interesting is the experimentation to be derived from our great American Experiment. Most everyone who actively scours Facebook has seen the video from The Newsroom about how America is not the greatest nation in the world. (If you haven’t, click the picture. Be warned of strong language for shock factor.) The video talks about how America is no different and that it is no longer the leader in anything, but number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real, and defense spending. It then not-so-subtly promotes a feel-good nostalgia for what was, referring to a time in history no one can really pinpoint. You know, that time we stood for something.
Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout Willis? YOSEMITE??
Then the faithful Facebook followers feel compelled to share this video, as a public service announcement, to grandstand how they are not part of this poor generation of “sheeple,” like they understand something everyone else somehow missed, something to make Tocqueville and Hobbes nod solemnly in scornful, haughty agreement because they miss the “good ole days.”[2]
However, the differences in all categories are moot when examining the mindset and development of mindsets over the course of years. America has a strange sense of rallying around our statehood and freedom while also yearning for complete independence to act on whims. All other Western countries who developed in Europe did so over a millennia with systems and orders in place; traditions that are hard to change. The United States brought over the most comprehensive mixture of all these and, while some dominated, they all synthesized into the “Great American Melting Pot.” Hans Kohn claimed this melting pot is “a fundamental trait of American nationalism.”[3] Yet, with the popular portrayals of gunslingers, young people gaining independence, coming-of-age stories, and consistent storylines about the importance of freedom and individuality, the ideals of collective nationalism and autonomous separatism collide in the strangest of ways. Culturally, this produces a most dizzying peculiarity in terms of national operation as a people.
The irony of Miss One-Up from my story lies within the microcosm of these tensions. She wants everyone to know how different and special she is but also desires acceptance into the mutual understandings between all people of her tribe and even beyond. Since we, like her, slump into such vice, this is not a “one-upper” specific problem; this is a human problem.
I do not pretend to be a historian, merely an observer of history, so all I can attempt are summations or observations from a very low position in terms of authority. American Exceptionalism is not a total truth or a total lie. There are a few base motivators of the human spirit: love, fear, hate, pain, pleasure, reward, punishment, and the variety of other human emotions. How one (in the most base, innocent sense of the word) manipulates these can be conceived in infinite divergences.
Some divergences are less realistic than others.
This election is a prime example, if ever there has been one. People of all kinds fear losing the ideals most precious to them and act out vehemently. This will be further discussed later in a separate essay, but the ideas fit here as well. People want to be a part of something that establishes their superiority and cements their originality.
Have you noticed how angry people are when they were the first to listen to a song or band and then another person starts listening to it? People are very protective of what they see as the integrity of a valued champion of their principles. Each age group seems to handle it differently. Teenagers and young adults notoriously grasp at any trend to identify with for the sake of self-establishment and, thus, bind themselves to an object of impermanence. Middle-aged adults experience mid-life crisis because their valued champions do not seem to carry the same weight or appraisal they once did. The elderly fear their valued champions are not taken seriously by the newer generations; their valued champions of principle depreciate because of the disrespect by the changing society. To this, Hegel might chuckle.
Of course people will always be like this. If you want to see the number of historic complaints about the changing youth, click here. When a person invests the entirety of their personhood into a “thing;" be it a hobby, fashion, culture, entertainment, area of study, etc., it irks others, but often the others do the very same thing. The One-Upper seems to invest their identity into being someone better than all others. So what is to be done? Everyone invests identity into something, how does one hold onto these or avoid investing?
Let it first be said the investment of personhood into something exterior to the self contextualizes a person’s chapter into a grander scheme of a tribe’s book, contextualizes our tribe’s book into humanity’s book set, and then contextualizes humanity’s book set into the universe’s library. If one needs help contextualizing oneself into the master scheme of the universe, might I recommend wandering into abandoned country and staring into the night sky on a clear night?
Or could two Calvin and Hobbes comics recommend such?
It is natural to devote attention and care to something. But what irks us about people who constantly talk about the things they love or the ones who make their profile pictures TV show characters, might be that we fear a certain ignorance and/or disingenuous element to their investment. Both ignorance and disingenuous sentiments often result in snobbery. The One-Upper put me and others down because she did not want it revealed that her identity could be eroded; that, when contextualized, her experience was not as meaningful as she might pose it to be. So, I contend this is why we dislike someone who one-ups so often. It is not because their stories are invalid, but because their insecurity of self-value is so transparent that they would ignore or discredit another in order to maintain the illusion of self-fulfillment.
Hipsters are a perfect example of this. The “I saw that first!” mentality gives them the ability to both separate and join themselves to the whole; feel as though they are on the cusp of human knowledge. Almost like a strange ancient Greek cult or a social justice warrior (only active on Tumblr of course), they see themselves as the enlightened ones who finally have reached nirvana. When others encroach on their territory, enjoying something they enjoy for example, their defenses demand that the other person could not truly enjoy it to the same degree or for the same reasons. But yet, they look down on others for not enjoying the same aspects of life, similar to coffee snobbery.
On the flip side of the coin, we, like the hipsters, also fear that something we love might depreciate in value when others love it, because the newcomers may not or do not see the true value in what we love which of course implies we believe we love it for the right reasons and see the real value of such. In its own way, this is the same kind of ignorance borne of such close minded thoughts. For such staunch positioning as this, humility tends to lift off blinders by accepting that the blinders do exist.
Many beautiful ideas and passions live in the world and there is no wrong in loving them, but nothing can ever capture the Imago Dei; no single affection encompasses the whole of the human spirit. We all hate seeing the couple that constantly posts on Facebook things like, “I know I talk about this person a lot but I LOVE THEM SO MUCH LOOK HOW MUCH WE’RE IN LOVE,” when all that person did was buy them a candy bar or hang out with them during finals. In the same line of reasoning, we hate seeing a person constantly try to tell the world how incredible their life is, on Facebook or not. As I’ll talk about at another time, when someone advertises for multilevel marketing it irritates me, not because someone is trying to promote business, but because when I look up their company on Better Business Bureau it is apparent how much of a sham it is. The deceptive nature is my issue
However, like the aforementioned, humility is the only approach. When the One-Upper tries telling another story or a friend tells you how little you really understand about comic books, do not see it as a direct attack, but, like a small threatened animal, they are crying out against anxiety or insecurity. When someone does not really appreciate art for what it is or the beauty of a passion, one should not dwell in the identity of that idea. It should not define one’s personhood, and if it does, contextualization is needed.
Speaking of art, look at this beauty.
More than ever, the world is in need of grace. Technology has enabled people to be more hurtful and destructive than ever before, so much so that grace must work harder than ever before. Showing grace in all of these elements and guiding people to find their identity in the solidity of humanity which can only be done best through the Christian virtues the Church has held dear since its foundation. The next time one catches a One-Upper or a cultural snob speaking with such repugnant indecency, apply grace. Though I have been entirely too tongue and cheek, the reality is that I have my own pet projects in areas that I am just as arrogant in. So I must take my own advice to look upon others, see their need to feel the tension of being unique and similar, and—if I am wise—grace them with both. We all must see within them their humanity and grace them, and ourselves, with loving guidance.
