A number of years ago, I had an English teacher tell my class to never begin any piece of writing stating that you don't know how to begin. Right now I'm struggling with that idea because it goes against the way I'm feeling about what I think needs to be put in words. Someone who means a lot to me once told me to, "Just be authentic." I've never let go of that. If I'm not authentic, who am I? My authentic self is my only self. This is why I'm not ashamed to say that I am at a loss for words. I do not know where to begin. The heartbreak of losing anyone to suicide is indescribable. There really are no words to capture the devastation. Suicide is a topic that unfortunately still seems to be taboo, but over the past few weeks, as I've heard of more and more people taking their own life, I think education and awareness are needed because both go a long way in leading to understanding and change.
A common question in response to suicide is why?. People want to know why. What could they have done differently? Why didn't they see any signs? Didn't he/she know we love him/her? Truth is, we'll never know why. We don't know what was going on in his/her head. The only way to know what a person is thinking is for that person to say it, write it, make art about it. This is a broader concept that stretches to all aspects of life. People are too quick to assume what another person may be thinking, and more often than not, they're wrong. I've heard a lot of people say that suicide is a selfish way to die. This could not make me more angry. As someone who has battles suicidal ideations for a number of years, I understand the general thought process. Specifics may vary from person to person, but selfishness is no where near my mind when I fight the thoughts. Quite the opposite, actually. When I've had thoughts, I just want the pain to stop. I think I'm a burden on others. I think everyone, and everything, would be better off without me. Now I know that this is not true, but it certainly does not mean that the thoughts are not valid. This is something that needs to be recognized. Thoughts are valid.
I want to mention the disgusting amount of bullying that goes on, particularly over text, social media, youtube. It's easy to be mean when you don't have to look someone in the face. I've been bullied; I understand the hurt, the self-doubt. I've also been the bully; I understand wanting the power, the popularity. I'm not proud of that. I will never be proud of that, but I cannot change the past. Instead of beating myself up any more than I already have, I want to use the experiences to educate others on the horrors that can occur as a result of bullying. One of those horrors is suicide. Many of the articles I've seen this week described eleven and twelve year old girls who were bullied. These girls did not see their own beauty because of someone else's words and/or actions. They no longer believed they are important. I say are purposely because they are important. They will always be important.
I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this. I don't think there is only one direction to go. I think the most important point I want to make here is that you are never alone. I cannot stress that enough, and will continue to say it. You are never alone. Even when you feel like you are drowning in pain, suffering, there will always be something to help you. The question is, will you accept it?
#youmatter
