I found myself extremely emotional these past couple of days and I had no idea why. I was searching for reasons to be upset about the way some things in my life were going and I was trying to figure out why I was feeling this way. I had a gut feeling I needed to do something right away.
There's been a toxic, open door in my life that was screaming to be shut because it affected me every single day for the past few years no matter how much I attempted to push it to the back of my head. It wasn't working. I'm a big fan of closure and finished business so something that was just so open ended that would never be concrete was hurting me.
I guess I found myself asking God why. Why is this happening? Why are you keeping this person so relevant in my life? Why are you letting this person who doesn't even follow you be so important to me? We have nothing in common. We are complete opposites. He doesn't know you. This person is affecting how I treat people.
Then I would be told not to "play God" by a good amount of people. "You don't know how he is going to use this situation. He could turn it around and change it." I was not happy with these answers.
One thing I am sure of is that God doesn't want to hurt me. He doesn't want me to feel this way. These feelings of sadness and rejection are him telling me to close that door and to never open it back up. This door has been open for too long and he has better things for me. God would not want me with someone who doesn't even follow him which is something I overlooked for so long. God doesn't want me to sacrifice who I am for people who do not care.
God is with me when I am rejected from the things in life I want. God is with me when people so easily exit my life. He closes these doors to open ones that will bring me better. No matter how badly it makes my soul ache to know something didn't work out.. it is because God decided we both deserved different things. I find SO much confidence in the fact that I am able to feel that. I am not breaking down like I would have before I followed him because he has never led me to anything short of a better place. I am the one that brings my own destruction. I am the one that lets these people into my life.
It's so silly, too. I always know when I'm in the wrong. I'm just too stubborn to understand I deserve more and I could be better. I could be more of a godly woman if I just listened and obeyed instead of thinking I can fix things on my own.
My timing is usually never right. I'm slowly but surely being molded into this person God wants me to be. He is turning my stubbornness into faithfulness. He just wants me to be happy and good. He wants the things I say and the things I do to reflect his love. I'm working on it.
Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.
-James 1:19-20
“Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness, And rivers in the desert.”
-Isaiah 43:18-19
