I have come to despise whenever I am asked if I am okay, even being asked "how are you?" because I know that my honest answer is a negative one. I will tell my lie, but then I am reminded of the things that prevent me from actually being well, good, all right and/or fine. At the same time, I am hesitant to answer truthfully because there is an awkwardness to me to do so. I don't want people to know the negativity I feel. In all truth, it can be embarrassing for people to know that. If ever I let someone know how I'm feeling, I often pass it off jokingly — quickly adding in that "I'm fine, though. I'll be fine eventually." I'm not 100-percent okay with people being worried about me.
Not being okay is like living with something floating around me. I am always aware of its presence and sometimes it floats further away and sometimes it will perch itself on my shoulder. This will cycle throughout any given day. My days start off more positively than they end. My figurative "not okay" bubble slowly creeps closer to me as the day progresses.
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I want to blame my mental and emotional state on a lot of various things. We go through a lot in life — heartbreak, change, confusion and fear. To a certain extent, I control how I react to situations that put me in a darker place. However, many people go through things in life that are completely out of our hands. Unfortunately, it's hard to control reactions to these things and they also make it hard to control reactions to stressful situations aforementioned. So life kind of gets messy.
The mess builds up each day I don't feel better. Time should heal all, but it is difficult to sit around and wait day in and day out, especially when you are as impatient as I am. It has happened before that my wounds were healed and looking back on it, I was never really conscious of the healing process. It came and went, and then I look back on it, and all I can say is "well, that was a hard time." It's during this time when I gradually and unconsciously filter out negative thoughts before it's a rare occurrence that I even think about them at all.
Despite knowing that all will be well in due time, it doesn't make the present hardship any easier in the moment. I shut myself out, while at the same time wanting to keep myself busy with my people. The scale won't balance because it's difficult to muster up the motivation to do so.
It's best to try and master the art of letting go at this time so that you may give up your negative thoughts and emotions. They are not worth my time.
