In light of the recent holiday, this is an article on letting go, on being single, celebrating the relationship with yourself, and your beautiful life. We've all had heartbreaks, toxic relationships, cheaters, and ones who got away. I recently went through an intervention with myself, and finally walked away from what was the most toxic relationship of my life. I'm still getting over it, but walking away gave me a new perspective on life. I can finally breathe again, I'm no longer having a few panic attacks a day, no longer am I sleep-deprived from late night screaming matches. Here's how to know when its time to walk away, and how you can move on and find happiness.
How do you know when to cut it off?
When the relationship is more effort than effortless.
My ex always used to tell me if I really loved him I would stay with him through thick and thin, forgive him for his mistakes, and work through the problems. Sure, this is true to some extent, but when is the baggage too heavy to carry? When is it time to leave a relationship behind? I say once a person starts to control your life, when you feel like someone else has a hold of the reigns of your life, it is time to let go and put yourself back in the driver's seat. Let go, when they are causing you more pain than happiness when they hurt you more than they love you. Leave when they start playing games and messing with your mental health. Get out when they stop trying because they no longer think it's necessary. It's time to move on when you can't even recognize the person you love because your relationship has become built off of so many lies.
My previous relationship was a magnetic connection from the start, we were obsessed with each other from the first night we met. Now, I'm certainly not the most outwardly affectionate person, nor was I ever really concerned about boys, I was very casual and cold in my feelings on relationships. This was a first time having a feeling that made me care more about the other person than myself. It got to a point where I would spend my last ten bucks buying him breakfast before putting gas in my empty tank. To be the one who cares the most in a relationship is a bad situation to be in. I had turned my back on my independence, and I became a branch off of him. This didn't go unnoticed, it was taken advantage of. My caring was soon expected, the favor was hardly returned, lies began to accumulate, slowly overflowing when he tried to shove the pile down and hide his lies. I just bit my tongue and let it go each time. There's a point when you need to give yourself an ultimatum: move on, or continue feeling like this.
When your partner manipulates you into staying, blames you for all your problems.
I can't tell you how many times things were twisted into being my fault, how many times I was hurt and it was denied, I was called crazy in an attempt to cover up lies. It's not your fault, and you don't need to take the blame, or listen to the hurtful comments. Look at the situation for what it really is, don't second guess yourself; it may take a while to realize what's going on but eventually you'll break free from the cycle of manipulation. Once you finally take off the rose tint glasses, you'll see the relationship for what it really is, not for what you want it to be.
When the relationship is negatively affecting your life and mental health.
Relationships take work. Sure this is true, but there's a point when it's too much. A relationship should never consume your life, it should never interfere with your daily routine, and most importantly your mental health and happiness. During bad times of my previous relationship, it seemed like that was the center of my universe. I fight felt like the world was coming to an end. There were times where I stopped talking to my friends, I stopped going out, and times were I didn't even want to leave my bed. Relationships should never control your life, you should always hold on your independence. You should laugh more than you cry, and have more good times than bad.
On letting go...
Rip the Bandaid off.
The hardest part is the first move. You just need to do it. Wounds need fresh air in order to heal, if you want to get better you need to stop suffocating yourself and instead allow yourself to breathe. It's going to hurt at first, but all things take time.
Relapsing is normal.
I had my fair share of them. I continued to forgive, to give second chances, but if things continue to go in a vicious cycle its time to move on. Three strikes and they're out. If they don't fix themselves after the third chance, they never will, and things will continue to spin on in a vicious cycle. My dad once told me "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." This quote continues to ring in my head. Whenever something goes wrong I think "What do I need to do differently? What do I need to change?"
Burn the bridge already.
I know that this is often frowned upon, or seen as being immature, but sometimes it's the only way to heal and to move on. So go ahead. Delete their number, block them on social media, remove them on Snapchat - whatever it takes to get them out of your life, to move on and feel free again. The cycle can't continue if you cut off communication. Who cares how he's spending his Friday night, or if he's seeing a new girl. "May the bridges you burn light the way." This was the most important step for me, I was finally able to gain control of my life again. I wasn't glued to my phone 24/7 waiting for the next text to come through. For the first time he had no way of contacting me, and he had no insight into my life.
Burn everything, and I mean everything.
This step isn't always necessary, but sometimes you need to clean out your closet in order to move on. It's the whole "out with the old in with the new" principle. It's hard to heal when you still have pictures strung around your room, and old t-shirts in your closet. Get rid of it! Anything that triggers nostalgia or brings you bad vibes. Burn it, shred it, throw it out, or lock it up somewhere out of site. Sometimes you need to get rid of things before you can move on.
Focus on yourself.
You can't force happiness, but you can't be happy if you don't try. Get your life back, find time to focus on improving yourself, and learn to love yourself. You need to learn what it's like to live without that person in your life, and you need to learn how to love your life without them. So pick up a new hobby, join a club, become a gym rat, learn to play the guitar, go to music festivals and concerts with your best friends, live your life for yourself and you will learn to be happy again.
You will find someone else.
Often time the relapse after a breakup is triggered by a feeling that the person you lost is irreplaceable. All I have to say is this is complete and utter crap. I still struggle with this part. It's weird to no longer have that person in my life. It's weird to talk to other people, and be nervous again for the first time. It's uncomfortable, but it's all part of the process. Just remember they're not irreplaceable, you just have gotten used to that person, grown close to them, become comfortable around them, and anything else seems unnatural or wrong right now. It takes time to feel comfortable talking to other people. It takes time to be okay opening up, and letting someone in. It's scary as hell to try and move on. To think that person who once was yours may belong to someone else now. Just remember one thing: it's okay to be alone.
