Below is the transcript of a recent pre-law event at which I had the pleasure of being a panelist. I am sure to get invited back any day now!

Transcript:

Announcer: Welcome, one and all! Thank you for coming out tonight to the last event of our pre-law discussion series, "God I better go to Law School because these lectures are drier than the Atacama Desert and attendance is NOT worth it otherwise." Today's panelists are Elle Woods--

Elle Woods: It's a pleasure to be here!

Announcer: --And a random undergraduate, Lydia Bailey.

Me: Charmed, I'm sure.

Announcer: Um, alright. Elle, take us away on our topic, "On Getting into Harvard Law!"

Elle Woods: What, like it's hard?

Me: Yes, Elle Woods from the hit 2001 movie 'Legally Blonde.' Getting into Harvard Law IS hard. That's kind of its whole thing. I mean, how can you even deign to think differently? You've SEEN the stats, right?

Elle Woods: Well I say this because--

Me: Listen to me. By acting as if Harvard is a gimme, you are contributing to a toxic culture that glamorizes a few big-name institutions which perpetuate systems of inequality, while deeming other, more practical options less-than. You think that everyone has the same resources as you, don't you? Well, um, privilege check time: that is NOT the way the world works!

Elle Woods: See, I was trying to point out that the men who doubted me--

Me: --Throughout this whole law school application process I've been told that everything will work out. But you know what? Not everything will work out. That is a practical impossibility. What I can tell you is that something might work out. Not everything, and no certainty. But something might. However, that possibility is only available to us if we are not stuck in the mindset that our life satisfaction depends on the moods of a few Cambridge admissions counselors and the number-crunching gurus of the US News and World Report.

Elle Woods: You know this is a Legally Blonde reference, right? And that I didn't write the script?

Me: Legally Blonde, Shmeagally Shmlonde.

Elle: What?

Announcer: [interjecting] Can you elaborate on that, please?

Me: Elle, you disgust me. [Addressing the audience] To my fellow seniors out there: know that you are loved and that you are a person of worth, no matter your post-college path. If you would like to unpack Elle Wood's harmful statements, I am starting a seminar that meets in the Student Center on Tuesdays.

Audience member: [faintly, because they don't have a microphone] I think that Art Club books the Student Center on Tuesdays?

Me: [Barreling ahead] Listen people, it's time we start calling out systemic oppression when we see it. "What, like it's hard?" Elle says! Well, let me tell you, a lot of things are going to be hard for her once the global proletariat collectivizes and takes down the rich and powerful?

Elle Woods: I thought you wanted to be a lawyer?

Me: Well, yeah, but, like, a lawyer for the people, ya know? Helping them get medicine and all.

Elle Woods: You want to work for Big Pharma?

Me: Look, what I want to do is beside the point. The point is that you, with your "what, like it's hard" comment, is exactly what is wrong with America right now.

Elle Woods: … Did you even see the movie?

Me: No.

Elle Woods: …

Announcer: …

Me: …

Announcer: Well, that about wraps it up! Thank you, Elle and Lydia, for the, erm, unique discourse. Come out next week for an exciting panel on the exciting day in the life of a patent lawyer! As usual, free apple juice will follow the event.