Living in different regions of the U.S. for the last two years, my mother and I only have the opportunity to see each other three months out of the year, on average. As such, we mostly communicate over the phone once a week. In a recent weekly catch-up sesh — the tenor of which is usually an admixture of incisive observations about humanity, with a dash of crude humor and motherly advice — the topic of our extended family came up.
As is often the case when we chat together, my mom has a way of alerting me to ideas that are buried deep in my subconscious, and though they run the emotional gamut, I’m grateful for the honesty and clarity our conversations bring forth. What has been revealed to me this time, you might wonder? The extent to which I have let fear rule my life. Specifically, my fear of being left behind.
I have a complicated relationship with vulnerability. I tend to tell acquaintances, friends, coworkers, and colleagues things about myself that I would have trouble divulging to family and loved ones. When I’m truly invested in close relationships, I care too much about how I convey my thoughts and emotions, and in determining just what is appropriate or worth mentioning. I believe this subtext is what people are referring to when they say I seem mysterious or intimidating when first getting to know me. But that is because I sometimes fear if I go too deep, others might not like what they see.
I swear, I’m not all doom and gloom, far from it! But because of these, at times, toxic, self-sabotaging beliefs, I have pushed people and opportunities away that could have been beneficial or impactful in some unknown way. It all stems from my fear of being abandoned by those whose respect, courage, honesty, and loyalty I value.
But what happens when we stop worrying about what others think of us and simply “be”? What happens when we speak freely, love unconditionally, demonstrate our character through actions and just go for it, even if we don’t know what will happen next? At least we can say we tried. And anyway, it is better to live with fear — to embrace the unknown — than to hide from it in regret.
I used to think my extended family was uninterested in me due to the geographical distance between us, or because we typically only see each other during holidays at the end of the year, and so there aren’t many opportunities to be part of each other’s lives. Distance might prevent frequent visits, but I know now that the disconnect between us is also something I’ve allowed to happen over the years.
Sure, we may all have busy lives, and we may not see eye to eye on everything, but much can be gained simply by speaking openly with one another more often. For my part, I will continue to work through my fears of being left behind by making an effort to reach out more. Regardless of the outcome, I remain hopeful.
