We've all done it at one point or another. We put a lot of work into making a sport, submitting it to the Olympics, getting it approved by the IOC, watching it on TV, and realizing that we made a bad sport. We feel real dumb and low and behold we can't do nothing about it. But, keep your head up, buckaroo. Your bad sport is almost pretty good. You just missed the mark ever so slightly, and if you can take some of my suggestions then I think you can have just about a perfect Olympics™ sporting event.
1. Water Polo
Water polo is easily the most broken sport on the planet. In fact, they still played with horses well into the 1980s before they came to the decision that it resulted in too many horse drownings. Bust seriously, what is this sport, huh? You playin' hand soccer in a puddle? This is ridiculous. I feel silly just watching it and the athletes have to feel even sillier playing the dang sport. You're basically just treading water for an hour. Nobody looks cool playing water polo.
Here are my suggestions for improving water polo:
1. Stop playing water polo
2. Play football instead.
This will fix a couple issues. First of all, it will give the United States another opportunity to get a gold, which is something everyone loves. More importantly, It gets people to stop lookin' so silly.
2. All Equestrian Events
Take away horse ballet (Equestrian dressage) and horse hurdles (Equestrian jumping) and introduce horse racing. I don't know why there isn't a horse racing event at the Olympics. You've already got the horses there, just let them race each other. I can't believe I'm even having to make this suggestion. This is not rocket science, folks. It's just sport science.
3. Swimming
I know what you’re thinking. You’re saying, “Well hey there, Josh. I just so happen to think swimming is a great sport with no flaws at all. In fact, my father was a swimmer and in the summer we would go down to the local swimmin' hole and talk about my three favorite things: cars, sports, and The Golden Girls. ”
Trust me, I'm not necessarily disagreeing with you. I think swimming is perfectly fine. But there is a way to take swimming from a great sport, to an absolutely perfect sport. The problem with swimming is that it has been around for a really long time and yet it hasn’t been changed or updated or brought into the wonderful world of the 21st century.
As it stands right now, there are essentially two divisions in swimming: men's and women's. I am proposing the addition of a third division: men's, women's, and Michael Phelps.
The division would look exactly like the men's and women's divisions. It would have all the same races and it would have all the same regulations and rules, but there is one key difference. Michael Phelps is the only swimmer allowed to compete in these races and he will be going up against his greatest competition yet: himself.
"So you mean to tell me that you're gonna have Michael Phelps swim in a pool by himself?"
No, no. That's not what I'm suggesting at all. I'm suggesting that we utilize the 1985 discovery of time travel and allow Michael Phelps to swim against seven different versions of himself from over the years. How exciting would it be to watch 2016 Rio Phelps race against 2008 Beijing Phelps? How would 2004 Greece Phelps stand up against 2012 London Phelps? With the advent of time travel, we can assure that Michael Phelps will race against every single version of himself from every Olympic, and non-Olympic tournament in which he has competed.
The introduction of a Phelps division is absolutely essential to the life of the sport and in four more years, you might want to go ahead and create the Katie Ledecky division as well.
4. Tennis
I'll keep this one short: Play with two balls.
"But Josh how will tha-" I DON'T KNOW JUST MAKE IT WORK.
5. Basketball
Much like swimming, everything in this event remains relatively unchanged with one major improvement: the United States can only field a team of 4 clones of present-day Shaquille O’Neal and Bill Murray. (Note: This is not "at his prime" Shaq. This is present day, NBA commentator, Gold Bond spokesperson Shaq.)
The men’s United States team is simply too good. It’s not really fun to watch them play backyard basketball for a few hours. If you want this sport to be a respectable event, then the United States needs to comprise a team of 4 Shaqs and a Murricane.
If you find yourself asking, “Hey Josh. Why Bill Murray?” Then you very clearly have not watched Space Jam, and I cannot associate myself with you.
Bonus: To cut down on the Hack-a-Shaq strategy, players on the opposing team must answer trivia questions based on the movie Kazam in order to force Shaq to shoot free throws. Otherwise, USA gets possession of the ball with a fresh shot clock.
6. Fencing
Fencing is the most infuriating sport on this list because there's no reason for it to be as boring as it is. The sport is borderline unwatchable. HOW? It's a sword fighting sport! This should be must see television and yet there's only like three and a half people in the entire world who enjoy watching the dang thing.
It's like someone was watching the Princess Bride duel between Wesley and Inigo and they said, "Hey we can probably make this terrible." And then presented it to the IOC and they said, "Yeah looks great. Thanks. This will be the worst thing ever. We love it."
I just.
I don't know.
Let me come back to this one. I need some time to think.
7. Biathalon
It's very clear to me that this Winter Olympic sport was introduced by the International Olympic Committee as a practical joke, but everyone thought they were serious. I mean, how else do you come up with combining cross country skiing with rifle shooting? More importantly, how do you combine cross country skiing and rifle shooting and manage to make the event boring?
But fear not, IOC. I have a way to make Biathalon way better: Let Michael Bay direct.
Biathalon is the perfect event for Michael Bay to direct because it already has most of the elements he needs when he's making films: tons of different camera angles, people running around in crazy conditions, guns, and absolutely no plot, no story, and no reason for the characters to be doing what they're doing. The only thing missing is some well timed explosions.
You shoot the target? It explodes. You cross the finish line? It explodes. You check your watch? It explodes. You fall down? You explode.
I do not like Michael Bay as a film director. But I adore Michael Bay as the director of a sporting event and Biathalon is the prefect place for him to get his start.
8. Curling
I don't have a suggestion for this sport. It's a dull concept with a dull premise you know? I can't make this one interesting. The only reason why this is on the list is because I need someone to tell me if the sweeping makes the stones go faster or slower. Please. I need to know.
Please.
Please.
9. Fencing
I dunno. Let them play with Lightsabers or something. It's 2016. We've got lightsabers, right?
Can we get Donna on the phone and ask her if we've got lightsabers?
What's that?
We don't have lightsabers?
Well.
I don't know.
Who cares.
Fencing blows.
Unfortunately, I'm going to have to leave my Olympic improvements on a sour fencing note. But hopefully, the IOC will heed my suggestions in time to crank the competition up a couple of notches by the time 2020 rolls around.
