My Truth

I have been coming to terms with the anxiety and depression I have been living with for six+ years, and let me be completely honest in saying it is terrifying.

I have no normal to go back to. The life I have built for myself over these years is my "normal" and I cannot express just how terrifying it is to think of having to create a new one.

Yes, it is necessary. Because looking back on the past years, this is no life to live. At 24, I do not want to be crippled by these afflictions.

I have already missed out on some extremely important events in my life and the lives of those I care about. I have isolated myself. I missed my best friend’s engagement, my college graduation, my sister’s bachelorette party and literally countless other moments I can never get back. All because of this mess that occupies every inch and corner and shadow and vein and breath of my body.

And honestly? I am just tired. Tired of being so tired. Tired of hiding. Tired of having to fight to do the little things. Tired of faking a smile. Tired of being alone. Tired of being constantly angry.

Again, I am terrified. Most days I want to give in and go back to my hole, no matter how crippling it is.

And I know I am not alone. So I am being entirely open and honest about this journey, this terrifying journey of finding a new normal.

What Is Anxiety?

Simply, a fundamental brain difference. Simple? Not entirely. In fact, I don’t think any biological-researched answer will be enough.

Here’s what it really is:

The inability to control my mind, my heart, my hands and pretty much every part of me but the calm face I have learned to put on.

Meanwhile, my heart is pounding so fast that I’m afraid it may be visibly beating out of my chest. But it isn’t. My head isn’t actually spinning in circles. My eyes are not crossed like my blurred vision indicates. My knees aren’t wobbling along with the trembling muscles fighting the urge to collapse. My face isn’t pale and my eyes aren’t bloodshot. My heart hasn't actually stopped functioning like I assumed.

It is all a battle within.

When my breath is being stolen from my chest, I have no control over when it will come back. It’s the inability to look someone I love in the eyes and tell them “no, I am not OK.” It’s the endless cancelled plans and a pile of excuses. It’s the inability to sit still. It’s my mind fidgeting while I beg for it to stop. It’s avoiding crowds of more than, well, one. It’s the jumping to conclusions when someone else isn’t at my beck-and-call. It’s the anger I feel that I suddenly have no control over who I am. It’s when their looks pierce through my weak skin, and I feel them judging the chaos inside (but they're really just saying "hi.")

The inability to walk away or say because you no longer have control over your words and body and you're trapped inside.

The constant contemplation of the worst case scenario. Your mind is 500 steps ahead of you, never in the moment. The paranoia. The fear. The dread.

Even these words are not enough. Words simply cannot understand the depth that this crippling brings somebody.

And when a day comes that I wake up feeling a little “OK?” Well, I actually spend most of the time wondering when a wave is going to come knock me off my feet and steal my breath again. I wait for my brain to attack me, for my heart to deceive me. And I am completely alone, plastered behind a routine smile.

Nothing is wrong, right? Just a chemical imbalance, or my mind’s inability to function normally?

What Is Depression?

Chemical imbalance, right? My brain doesn’t know how to navigate itself, and somehow I end up disconnected from every single thing.

Have you ever been surprised? Perhaps for a birthday, graduation or even just Christmas morning. Yeah, me too. The only difference? I dread the impact. You see, the impact is the moment someone approaches me with something “good” and my only response is to crawl back in to myself and retreat as far as possible. Try doing that while someone hands you a perfectly wrapped box with a bow on top.

It’s the empty feelings after only a few hours of being awake. It’s the uncontrollable anger and irritability. Rage is always right below the surface. Relationships are strained. Motivation is depleted. It's the choosing to stay in bed rather than venture to the other side of the door. It's the avoiding other people in order to avoid conversation. It's hiding in the shadows and corners of the day to keep yourself "safe."

Safety... depression makes you feel like there is no safety other than your own mind, when in reality, your own mind is a black hole of chaos.

After a long (or even short) day of work I have nothing left, and I just feel empty. I can smile and laugh, I can think things are funny, I can try to enjoy myself. But it’s so incredibly difficult to have perspective. I doubt everything, a battle within my own mind. I push away every single person, crawl within myself and let the chaos take over.

I have dreams, I have ideas, I have ambitions, I have so much energy – but it is all spent by just getting out of bed in the morning. Leaving every single other action to be a chore -- a painful, dreaded chore.

Life shouldn’t be a chore. Right?

Again these words are not enough. Words simply cannot understand the depth that this crippling brings somebody.

What’s It Like Living With Both?

It’s a roller-coaster of chaos, where your body and mind are always deceiving each other.

Your entire body and mind are teaming up against you, and you just wait for the good days, and then you wait for the chaos to return.

Fighting anxiety can be a never-ending battle with frequent storms and breakdowns along the way.

Fighting depression can be an exhausting battle with many days of crawling inside yourself for shelter from yourself.

Sure, I was happy yesterday or five minutes ago – but it only takes a single instance, a single word, a single look to set my mind and body at odds. It's a split-second change, that even I do not understand not control nor predict.

And I think the hardest part is the inability to speak up in the darkest of times. The desperately wanting someone to see the truth, but every ounce of my being weighs down my words, my hands, my eyes. That truly is the worst part of all. The loneliness it brings upon yourself.

I have been on medication for about two weeks. My dose has already been upped, and I am currently waiting for my first therapist appointment. I don't know what to expect, and I'm a little impatient, but here we go.

This journey is tiring, so tiring – on both ends, but I am finally taking the time to care for myself.

But here’s the other thing: I am not broken. I do not need sympathy, to be sheltered, to be treated like a delicate porcelain vase about to break. I just need you to understand as best as possible, that my body is constant chaos. I need you to be there for me, support me and encourage me. But don’t give up on me.

Give me grace while I learn to give myself the same.

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If you or someone you know is experiencing symptoms of anxiety or depression, please contact your doctor.

If you or someone you know is in need of help, please call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.