I’m not in a good place. I’m assuming many people out in the world are also not in a good place. Why? Well its simple, life is hard.

I’m not going to write about my struggles though (well maybe for personal use I might but this isn’t for me). The fact is being happy is not always an easy thing to do.

You can take vitamin D or you could just avoid thinking about things that are making you upset. I have many friends who benefit from this. They push their emotions off, so they can get through the day and when they are ready they handle it at a more convenient time. That’s the thing though, eventually you still have to handle the emotions; they don’t just disappear.

I personally am incapable of distracting myself from myself. My brain just keeps throwing thoughts at me. Let me try to paint the picture. There is this person running around, not in circles because that would make too much sense, no she is running and pulling things off of shelves. (FYI the inside of my head feels like that library Beast gave Belle as a gift… yeah that was my favorite princess movie as a kid and I guess it stuck with me). These things are all past problems that I’ve handled, or thought I moved on from. Some of them are insecurities that resurface every couple of months, others are these lingering massive problems that refuse to fit on the shelf so they are just there very in the way, waiting for me to trip on one of them. Then as this person is running around, there is another person sitting next to those massive problems just wailing. She’ll try to turn the page, but it takes her forever because she can’t stop scream crying. Then there is another person just lying in the middle, doing nothing and then mutters “I just want to stop living”. Then Retta is just standing there with her arms crossed, saying “shut the hell up, the world sucks, get over it”. Then Suzie is tending to the wailing person “it’s going to be ok” and she is telling Retta to stop being negative, and trying to get the running freak to stop for a second and breathe all while she is crying, and she is trying to keep herself together and be strong so she can help all the people inside my head from freaking out. Oh by the way, I should let you all know that in order to understand myself better I named the very different parts of my personality. Suzie is like this super happy, hyper person who is like my personal cheerleader and Retta is the culmination of all my pessimism and weirdness. There is also NaaNaa (Nah-Nah needs to be said like a raging Viking), he is my rage and Roger who is my dorkiness and reason (so he is basically like my internal dad mode always asking “why?”). Suzie and Retta are the primary figures in my head though, Roger visits like once in a blue moon which explains why get into a lot of weird situations and NaaNaa is actually very tame and only comes out went I need to defend myself in an argument.

The point is there are like three of me in three different places of depression: erratic, sad, and numb. The pessimism in me tells me to stop, that I’m being stupid because this is life and I just need to deal with it. The happiness that manages to exist inside tells me that everything will be better, that I wouldn’t enjoy life if there wasn’t any struggle.

I realize none of that may make any sense, because it is definitely a little crazy. You may think it is a little more than crazy, one person said that it sounded like I was in the beginning stages of schizophrenia. I don’t think that is true, I just seem to understand things in a very different light and I really don’t mind if people think it’s crazy.

Moving on from my personal mess in my mind, happiness isn’t easy. Some people do have an easier time with it, but those people may just have fewer obstacles and probably less people in their mind. That does not mean that if you don’t have a lot obstacles or a large mind mess that you should have an easier time being happy, it just means that if you are wondering why someone else is having an easier time with happiness than you that maybe it’s because they are a completely different person than you. Everyone handles things differently.

I tried forgetting. First I drank too much, but after scraping the same knee three times before it could even heal from the first time I fell I thought I should probably watch my drinking. I also tried to distract myself with dating. Turns out I’m a terrible dater and of course fell for someone just as broken as me like right away. When he told me he had to move, everything I had been trying to forget came back. I tried to focus on politics, I thought maybe if I can’t fix my life I can at least try to contribute in making this a world I would want to live in. The results of the election felt like a sign from the world telling me to give up because it doesn’t want me living here. I realize that seems dramatic, but I never said I wasn’t dramatic. Also, you don’t know my life or problems, though if you asked I’d probably tell you because I am a very open person and believe the only way to fix things is to talk about them. Anyways, I gave up on trying to change things. I accepted that this is the world, this is life, and then I said “what’s the point in even trying to exist as a person I would like to be” so I gave into that urge to drink my life away. That only lasted for the one night; I really am not the best at giving up on living. So one drunken night, and many other nights of binging Netflix and going to bed at strange times, I decided to accept that I am not in a good place and that is okay.

I wanted to write this for anyone who is struggling with being happy. It’s okay. I know that you probably are wondering what’s wrong with you, you are probably thinking you are stupid, that you are doing this to yourself, that you should just let yourself be happy. Maybe that is not what you are thinking; it’s totally possible I’m projecting. If you are thinking any of that though, or actually just anything about how life is hard, then I’d just thought I’d let you know that you are not stupid. Yes there are tons of hundreds of people who problems, and yes there are definitely people who have bigger problems but that doesn’t mean that you have to be happy, you shouldn’t wallow either though. You should take a moment to cry, address what is making you unhappy, don’t try to force yourself to be happy, but don’t make the things that are bringing you down your whole life. It is really hard to not be consumed by depression, so I thought I’d share what has actually been helping me. None of this has fixed my problems, but it is helping me exist without wanting to give up on life.

I was serious in the beginning; vitamin D really does help, especially for the gloomies: sadness that occurs, or grows stronger when the weather is well, gloomy. When I am feeling gloomier I take up to like four pills of vitamin D, because I really don’t think you can have too much. I mean I have never heard of anyone overdosing on vitamin D, and sometimes one just isn’t enough, especially in Portland.

Focus on the people in your life. Your depression doesn’t mean other people aren’t going through their own problems. It is very easy to forget that, and to lose contact with people because you just want to shut the world off. I have had to force myself to meet up with people, go out on nights when I just wanted watch Netflix and sleep, and wake up early for brunch or coffee with friends. Yes, those things don’t seem like things anyone should force themselves to do because they are all fun and great but in a state of a depression it all feels like a chore. I always worry that I won’t be able to get through it without breaking down, or that because I’m not happy I won’t be fun to hang out with and my friends will be like “why did you come along if you weren’t in the mood?” and those thoughts are why I have to force myself to go. If you’re friends ask you that, tell them you are trying, trying to be happy, trying to not give into your depression. Just because you aren’t happy does not mean you cannot participate or show up for things. In fact is more important that you at least show up when you are not happy. When you don’t show up, it tells people that you are too concerned with yourself to care about their lives. I am not saying you shouldn’t focus on yourself, but your friends need to know you are there for them even when you are not in a good place. There are people who may get overwhelmed by you not being happy, and that is nothing against you. They are probably not in a good place too, and once again everyone handles things differently so if you have one of those people in your life just respect what they ask of you; whether that is your company or time away from you.

Notice people. When I am depressed, I have a tendency of feeling like no cares about me or even notices me existing. This may just be my own thing, but it is important to notice people because they are most likely going through something too. This doesn’t mean you have to notice specific people, I just mean people. This is the most important thing I think anyone who is depressed can do to help. Going through depression, we understand how hard it is to get through life and when you notice people it reminds them that people are watching, that people are there for them, that their kindness is appreciated, that their existence is important, and that life may be hard but there is beauty and greatness in it that makes this world worth living in.

I have noticed absolutely amazing people full of kindness that make me want to get better.

The first was the woman who saw me crying and tried to stop the car I was in to give me a flower.

Another was a man whose mother had just passed away. He had talked someone outside my store’s ear off so much that I ended up closing the store before he could come in to take care of his business. This man had walked home with me, and when I opened to him he told me about his mother passing and how the troubling things in life help appreciate the good things that come to us in our lives.

Then there was man I fell for, who held me while I cried. He didn’t try to fix me; he opened to me on his life and taught me that the bad things that happen in our lives don’t make us bad people. His kindness and company told me that just because life isn’t great, or that we have done bad things in life, or that we are unhappy does not mean kindness and good things should be denied to us.

The day after the election I noticed a lot of people, women in particular. Two who are regular customers at my store. One of them began crying once I told her I was up crying the entire night, turns out she was too. The other woman is Muslim and I helped a few months with packaging pictures she wanted to see her boyfriend, she came in later in that day and noticed how I was upset, she reached over the counter and hugged me when I began crying. She told me “It hurts for all of us”.

There was another woman who spoke to me about the protests occurring and the unity she feels among everyone when she is there.

I have noticed kids running downtown, spitting out food, playing, and hugging their parents tighter as people walk by them. I have noticed my friends trying to handle all their stress in work and school, try not to fall apart from their emotions, try to find things to make them happy, trying to connect and be there for each other. I have noticed people struggling with money, one girl couldn’t pay for her groceries and at least three of my customers have had their cards declined. I have noticed teachers trying to focus on the subject and being overwhelmed with their thoughts or emotions.

Then there was the homeless man who helped me find my way home. My phone was basically dead, I turned it off because I knew I would need that last bit of life it had to ask my roommate to let me upstairs when I finally got home. He walked me all the way home. It personally helped me realize my problems are mostly mental, and that the world isn’t going to let me wither away if I reach out for help.

Depression isn’t easy to live with, I know how it feels to want to give up and be consumed by depression. To anyone who isn’t in a good place, just remember you aren’t alone. This world is beautiful and full of amazing people. Life is hard but if it was easy, it wouldn’t be worth living. Don’t forget the other people, just because they may not be in the same place as you are does not mean their life is easier, or that they are happier, or that they don’t want you are just because you are not happy. I don’t have any advice to help depression, but I do have experience of living with it. Once I actually recovered, totally different depression though and I really don’t remember how I recovered from it so still no advice. Also, I really do believe everyone has a different way of handling things and I think depression is just part of the journey of discovering yourself. So even if I didn’t have a magical cure all I would probably be the asshole to deny it because I believe the things people discover about themselves when they are unhappy not only help them go after their dreams and encourage greatness in others, but makes them better people.

For now, I hope you know it is okay to not be happy. You still have to keep living though, because there are people in your life who want you here. I know what I wrote may not help you, but hopefully it at least make you try to think of a way to appreciate the people in your life or reach out to people so that your depression doesn’t consume you. I’m not telling you to pretend to be happy, just don’t forget your people and your life is worth getting better. It’s okay to accept that you are not happy. Rome wasn’t built in a day. I know, I know super cliché but I need a reassuring note to end on and the people in my head really haven’t figured any good reassuring lines out yet. If they did I would be in a better place and really wouldn’t have a reason to be writing this.

You’ll be okay.

*Person in my head continues to wail, takes one of those gross deep, booger infested breaths, exhales and says yeah…

There you go, now look at the pretty flowers. Without rain they wouldn’t grow.