On multiple occasions I have said that I am broken. People laugh and don’t think about that word the same way I do. No, I’m not talking about a toy which has been stepped on or a crack in your phone screen. No, I feel like I’ve fallen apart and I need to be put back together.
It’s a concept that a lot of people don’t understand. What’s truly scary is the number of people who do understand what this feels like. To feel like something is missing. To feel like you aren’t the person you used to be or want to be.
It’s okay to feel broken sometimes. It’s hard to constantly be “holding it together” because in all likelihood, you want to break down. I’m here to tell you it’s okay to fall apart sometimes. There’s no magic glue or tape that will always put you back together. There’s no single person, either, that is responsible for putting your pieces back together. That’s a lot of pressure to put on another person. You will and should be your own repair man.
It’s okay to not be okay, to lose yourself and breakdown. It’s normal. There’s so much constantly being put on each one of us. We are all strong, but sometimes a meltdown is necessary. Don’t ever let anyone tell you it isn’t. Sometimes the most helpful thing for anyone of us is a good cry, or a deep scream into a pillow. You feel broken because you’ve been trying for too long to hold it all together.
I will say that it’s okay to fall apart, but at some point you have to come back together. You have to day by day, piece by piece, become whole again. When you feel like you’ll never be yourself again and that you aren’t who you want to be, it’s hard to pull it all back together.
You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are capable of so much more than you’ll ever know. Your life will come back together. You will not feel like this for the rest of your life, I promise. I remember being younger and telling my great-grandmother that I felt like I just couldn’t handle it anymore. She looked at me and said, “God will never give you more than what he thinks you can handle. Clearly he thinks a lot of you.”
You may not be conquering all of your demons at once. You may need time to deal with the many aspects of your life that have chipped away at you, but with time it will all come together. You will not feel broken forever. You will find your way as the wonderful whole person you are.
