So, as I've said, over and over again, this year has been shit! Now nearing the end of it, we have a chance to go into a new horizon (probs not a good one, but it is NEW, and/or INTERESTING as the people who more than likely voted for Drumpf tell me.) To engage the remaining apathy from the old year and rage into the seemingly apocalyptic new year (Putin and Trump sitting in a tree. Nuclear Arms Race-I-N-G!) What better style to ring this dark new era than that of the Goth?

Yes, yes, I know that Goth is soooo the late nineties, but everything that is old is once again new, right? Plus, it brings me back to a much simpler time when instead of laying awake all night worrying about the destruction of the world, my only worries were if that certain popular boy could possibly ever like lil' ol' invisible me, and hiding the cuts on my wrists from my mother (P.S. none of those things ever worked.)

While I grew up in a sort of Goth Renaissance, I never got a chance to be a part of it. I was a little bit hippie, and a little bit of rock and roll, but mostly I was just sad, and while part of a few groups I never felt like I really belonged. I was sort of a teenaged clique transient. I bobbed, weaved and went wherever the irrational teenage bullshit river took me. I guess what I'm trying to say in so many words is that despite being bounced around from social scene to social scene like a popularity damaged foster child I'm new to the whole Goth thing. I don't mean EMO, though. Let's not be whiny bitches. This is some major brooding we are going to have to do, not the growing pangs of some over-privileged, angsty, white teenagers. There will be no side-swept bangs nor Hot Topic here I tell you! THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. DO YOU NOT SEE THAT THERE IS PAIN HERE? No? LET ME SHOW YOU! If I am actually going to subscribe to this, though, I should probs research it in order to fully commit myself to my newfound me. So, to Google I go, searching “How to be Goth.”

Did you know that there are like six Wikihow articles on this subject? So many articles, and so many conflicting rules! I just don't know what to do... OMG, did you know if you are a newbie you're called a baby bat! Like a baby gay! But for Goths! I'm so excited, but so, so scared.

Ok, here's something. Seven search items down there is a quiz from Quiz Rocket called “How Goth are You?”, and it seems super legit and should clear everything up. Do, Doing it, Done!

I read all the questions, check all my answers and hit enter.

THE QUIZ RESULT IS!!!! Poseur Goth?!?!?!?!?!?

Well fuck me, I guess. While I do like their music and dressing in black is super slimming, I really don't want to be some Goth poseur extraordinaire. Maybe I'll just be uber depressed, and contemplate going on Prozac instead. Besides, and this is not just sour grapes, I'd rather keep the blonde hair. Remember to slash horizontally not vertically, and I'll see you next year!