*Please remember that the opinions stated below are my own and should be taken with an entire fistful of salt. If you enjoyed Suicide Squad, that's great. It's great that you can find enjoyment in something I can't.

Ironically, Suicide Squad made me want to end my own life. The entire experience was...painful. Not necessarily Chinese water torture, but pretty damn close. But, it wasn't really the movies fault. I was just unprepared. And being the kind soul that I am, I wouldn't want anyone else to be caught with their pants down like I was. So I've taken it upon myself to compile the perfect Suicide Squad Checklist to ensure that your movie watching experience was better than mine.

1. Stock Up on Your Hot Topic Gear

First things first, in order to get the full Suicide Squad experience, you've got to blend in with the only crowd that would find this movie even remotely tolerable. That's right, it's time to unleash your inner middle school emo kid. Break out those knee high converse sneaker boots and those neon clip in hair extensions. Trust me, you don't want to be the only beige cardigan in a sea of leather, spikes, and graphic tees.

In fact, don't hesitate to cover yourself in head to toe Suicide Squad swag, even before you've seen the movie and know whether or not the movie is a piece of shit. And argue passionately with anyone who dares to criticize this movie for having "problems". I mean, who needs decent pacing and good characterization when you have Jared Leto in eyeliner, am I right?

2. Bring a Magnifying Glass

Yeah, you're going to need one of these babies in order to find the purpose of Katana, Killer Croc,and Captain Boomerangs' characters. Honestly, this movie was less the Suicide Squad and more "the Deadshot and Harley Quinn Show" with a colorful assortment of background props "characters."

Yes, this movie had the very difficult task of introducing all these new characters, going into their backstories, and explaining their motivations without contracting "The Last Airbender Syndrome". Suicide Squad didn't have the luxury of Avengers where each character had their own movie to get all the pesky exposition out of the way. But even if no one saw Captain America, Iron Man, or any of the other Marvel movies before seeing Avengers, you still had fleshed out characters with complex personalities playing off of each other and you could feel an overall sense of camaraderie between these characters.

Yup, nowhere to be found in this movie. Besides Harley, Diablo, and Deadshot, the other members of the team are practically useless when it comes to furthering the plot and aren't given interesting enough personalities for you to care about them. Killer Croc practically growls the entire film and Captain Boomerang is only their to make a shitty joke from time to time. But Katana probably was the most fucked out of all of them.

Yup sorry Katana, you only get three lines in this movie and only one of them is in English. The poor character's traigc backstory is practically farted out with one two minute flashback and a really awkwardly timed expository explanation from Rick Flagg. Hopefully these characters will get more screen time in the inevitable sequel.

Shout out to TopKnot or whatever the fuck his name was. Spoiler: he dies after five minutes of screen time (an homage to his "death" in the comics).

His introduction is literally

Rick Flagg: This is Foxtrot. Idk he can climb or some shit

*Scene Transition*

*Gets his neck blown up*

Rest in peace, Buckshot, rest in peace.

3. A Pillow

Okay, you're gonna use this to muffle your laughter at the sheer ridiculousness of Jared Leto's performance.

I...I have no words for this performance. Actually I do. And here they are.

Imagine a member of the Insane Clown Posse doing a wicked Nicolas Cage impression after raiding Lil Wayne's closet. During the Harley Quinn torture scene, he got so close to the camera you could still see the scenery in between his teeth.

I have so many questions.

Why is he covered in tattoos? Did he go to a parlor? Did he buy a DIY kit?

Why does his laugh sound like an old man cackling after winning a game of Parcheesi?

Who the fuck approved this hand tattoo bullshit?!?

I had to admit he was buckets of fun to watch. You can really tell that he thinks he's giving Ledger a run for his money. It's kind of tragic. Well at least he seemed to be enjoying himself, unlike anyone over the age seventeen in the audience.

Sorry Jared. Loved you in "Fight Club," but this wasn't your finest moment.

4. A Pair of Scissors

After you see the gross mishandling of the Joker and Harley's relationship, you're just going to want to ram these into your eyes American Horror Story Season 3 style. I mean, she used garden shears but scissors will work just as well.

Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn was a golden piece of corn in this shit pile of a movie. She completely embodied Harley. It was one of the most perfect castings of a character I've seen in a while and I'll probably only watch the sequel to see her performance again.

However, the chemistry between the Joker and Harley is quite...disturbing. One of the best things about the character of Harley Quinn is her badassery. She's free and fluid with her sexuality and doesn't give a damn about what people think of her. She's a killer fighter. Goddamn the song that plays during her introduction is "You Don't Own Me." She's her own woman...until the Joker gets involved.

Even Robbie herself criticized this aspect of the character. In an interview with the Washington Post she states “I just didn’t understand how she could be such a badass and then fall to pieces over some guy.”

Now don't get me wrong, the relationship was never supposed to be healthy. In almost in carnations, their relationship is portrayed as abusive and codependent. But this is the only movie that seems to put this in a positive light.

In the original animated series, yes, Harley blindly follows her dearest "puddin" even though he's a sociopath who treats her like garbage. But the show makes this very clear that their relationship is nothing to admired. He threw her out a window for Corn's sake.

That is not the case with this movie. The scene with swooning romantic music playing as the Joker bravely dives into the vat of acid for Harley (which he just coerced her to jump into) sends mix signals to impressionable viewers.

Not to mention dumbass tweets like these.

Not since Edward and Bella have I seen such a backwards way to portray abuse. When I see people running around calling the Joker and Harley "bae goals" it makes me want to drink a blueberry and Clorox smoothie. Portraying a toxic relationship like this is dangerous and irresponsible.

5. A DVD Player, Headphones, and a copy of Batman: Assault on Arkham.

If you're really looking for an effective Suicide Squad movie, this 2014 direct to video animated movie is what you're looking for. Incredibly violent, wickedly funny, and a wild ride from start to finish, this movie is everything that we wanted Suicide Squad to be. Batman: Assault on Arkham doesn't sacrifice style over substance. Honestly, I strongly recommend it.

Well, now you have the perfect recipe to an enjoyable Suicide Squad experience. Live long and prosper, folks.