Hello! I'm a white, cisgendered, heterosexual male living in what is considered the "first" world with access to the internet. Me trying to defend offensive jokes is a lot like, say, a pyromaniac saying that people shouldn't be upset when their houses catch fire. I'm more than aware that my position in life gives me quite a nice view where things that are offensive to certain people don't affect me. I am effectively checking my privilege. So maybe some of this should be taken with a helping of salt because of where I'm coming from, but this is something I've also thought a lot about and tried to view through different lenses. In some circles, I have been designated as “the funny guy” so I might know a thing or two about jokes. But first, let me share with you an experience I had a year or so ago.

I was watching that old Ben Stiller flick, “There's Something About Mary” one evening among other film students. And something I never thought would happen had happened. I was offended. It was a completely new experience for me. I saw the portrayal of the mentally handicapped characters. Some of whom had their disabilities portrayed in a comedic fashion, where they would act out and look silly. This was presented to me as a joke, and all I could think about was how insensitive it was. The portrayal of the mentally handicapped characters wasn't nearly as horrendous as some other films have done, and it was tasteful in plenty of other areas. I've also laughed at jokes far more offensive than the ones this film was trying to give me. And yet, somehow, I found myself irritated and a bit angry at the filmmakers for portraying an already misunderstood people in such an offensive way.

But then I caught myself repeating some lines I had already said before to justify my own love of horrendously offensive jokes. Being offended doesn't make you right, you don't get to act high and mighty because you didn't like a joke, just because it's not in your tastes does not mean that the joke is wrong, humor is in practice a very mean concept.

And it's true, but I kept thinking about how people with mental or physical disabilities are treated in modern society and how this movie only continues with that misunderstanding. And I found myself wondering if maybe my particular brand of humor is damaging.

The answer I've come up with sounds like a copout, but just listen. Sometimes. Jokes, like any way of communicating, can normalize ignorance and hatred but it all depends on the content and the context of said joke. Maybe someone impressionable saw this movie and then decided that the mentally handicapped stumble around for the amusement of able-minded people. But is the problem with the movie, or the individuals who take that message?

There are a lot of different explanations on what funny is, and how things become funny. But the one contributing factor to every single joke you've ever heard was tragedy in some form. Someone is getting ahead of someone else in every joke you hear.

“Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!”

The joke is that the listener was probably overthinking the question and was made to look like a fool for not assuming the most simple answer. Of course, the chicken was just trying to get to the other side, what else would it be doing? There is no joke on earth that is free from offending people. Making a funny face seems innocent until you meet someone with their face disfigured from a horrific car crash.

So why do we take tragedy and laugh at it? Because humor is a coping mechanism. We use jokes to distance ourselves from the tragedies of the world. The jokes we tell are so distant from reality, we tell jokes about inanimate objects talking. We laugh at jokes because otherwise we would be upset. When the joke fails to distance us, it becomes offensive.

Think of humor the way you think of action movies. No, Daniel Craig probably couldn't survive being shot 12 times, but we know it's just a movie. We know it's wrong, so it becomes distant to us. We suspend our disbelief because we recognize that this is fantasy.

Here is Jane Godley, who was sexually and physically abused as a child. She is now a comedian who uses talks about her experience in her standup. And this isn't unusual either, a lot of people cope with tragedies through humor. There's no one thing that's off limits.

That doesn't mean that you have to listen or laugh at jokes you don't find funny. That doesn't mean you should never be offended by something. That doesn't mean you can't ask someone to avoid a subject you don't want prodded.

I think that while jokes are capable of normalizing toxicity, things become funny when they aren't normal. Things are funny because they're absurd. We don't laugh at things because they're “true” we laugh at things because they are wrong. We laugh at hyperbolic things, not true things. Banging your toe against a brick isn't funny, that's just something that happened. You didn't bang your toe, you crushed your foot against some god forsaken block of shale that exists only to cause you suffering. If you are offended by a joke, try to find where the absurdity in the joke is coming from and it might make you see it in a different way.

So was I right to be offended at, “There's Something About Mary"? I don't know, maybe it did normalize toxic ways that people treat other people with disabilities. But maybe the issue isn't with the movie, the issue is with the toxic society.

Comedy asks us to challenge norms and challenge our preconceived notions. I think that laughter is important, and I think it's important to laugh at the things that scare or offend us every once in awhile. We all take a turn on the chopping block, we're all going to be the butt of someone's joke. But we should be telling those jokes to people who will find it funny and not use it to bully. And it's okay to not find certain subjects funny, even I have my own triggers. And jokes are not a blanket you can use to mask toxicity.

People often say that we've become more sensitive these days. And it's true that our overall tastes in what we find objectionable have changed drastically in the past ten years. It's a good thing that we take into consideration the effect our words have on other people. But it's not up to you to decide how people handle their pain and what people can and cannot laugh at. Humor is a tool we use to deal with life and all its tragic moments.