Like many people, my body and how others perceive it has played a huge role in shaping who I am. The topic of body image has been on my mind recently and I’ve finally decided to let some of my stories and opinions out of the bag and onto your computers. It’s important that we talk about things like this. So much of the stress we face as humans comes from our own opinions of our bodies. Add that to what we hear from others and you’ve got a whole mess of self-confidence issues.

Let’s start at the beginning, shall we. When I was three I choked on spaghetti, causing a whole mess of food-related anxieties that still very much affect my adult life. As a kid I was probably too skinny to be considered healthy, but given my diet and my active lifestyle, I couldn’t really help it. I was picked on constantly. I never ate around people given that my diet was/still sometimes is consistent with that of a five-year-old. People obviously took this as me not eating period, and I was called anorexic all the time.

I’ve heard things along the line of “Well, I’d love if people called me skinny.” Great, good for you. When it’s the only thing you hear it stops being a compliment and starts being something you wish you could hide. Baggy clothes only do so much. A kid in high school came up to me once to tell me that the movie we were watching in health class about a girl who was starving herself to death was actually about me. That wasn’t the first or last time I heard something like that and I never knew what to say to defend myself. I just sat there and took it and let it make me feel sad.

Adults were the worst, and still are. I still hear, “You’re so skinny, you should eat more” and “Well, I guess if I ate like you I’d be skinny too.” I don’t eat the way I do because I choose to do so. I can’t help it. I try to explain that the crippling anxiety they get around a spider or heights (or whatever makes them cringe) is the same feeling I get when someone puts something new in front of me to eat. I’m not this skinny by choice, I swear. I’d trade Oreos for the ability to eat like a normal person any day.

When I went to college, I ate junk food a lot. I don’t know if it was just me trying to feed myself because I was living alone for the first time or whether I was just eating my stress for the first time because no one was there to say no. Well, I successfully gained the freshman fifteen and felt like constant shit. So time for another habit change. I’ve been trying really hard to beat my anxiety and eat healthier. As a result, I re-lost the freshman fifteen. I have a wonderful support team but some days it’s hard to not fall back to old habits.

While I was training for my first half marathon a friend came up to me and told me I looked skinnier. I did sort of realize my jeans were getting looser, but something about hearing it from someone else instilled a panic in me, but I knew I couldn’t binge on junk food again or I’d feel terrible, physically and mentally. I’d have to learn to take in more healthy calories as I was burning more than ever. I was doing a little better towards the end of my training when another body image bully struck.

I was in my last round of auditions for a show when a member of the creative team stopped me and said, “Emily, you know if you just did a few more push-ups you’d look great.” I just stood there dumbfounded, as I do A LOT of push-ups. Thankfully, the choreographer spoke up and said, “Well, I think she looks great.” Then the other person tried to defend herself by saying that she was going to tell everyone that. Nice try.

At that point in time, December 18th, 2015, I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. I was training for my first half marathon, I had an incredible group of friends by my side always, I was toying with the idea of a new career path, I was finally beating some anxiety and feeling a little more body confident, I was excited about life, then BOOM! Down the toilet again. I didn’t dwell too much on it at the time, but a few months later someone who was there at the time brought it up again and I was filled with so much anger and sadness and self-hate...something I hadn’t felt in some time.

Hence, my ultimate decision to branch out of the theatre world was based on two things. First, I didn’t love theatre enough to plan my whole life around auditioning everyday. I don’t want to live that way, wondering when I’ll get my first - and next - job. Second, I want to be doing something where I can help people become their best self, whether that’s helping them reach a fitness goal, or recover from an injury, or just help them be a stronger, more confident person. I have heard so many horror stories about people going into the entertainment industry whose confidence has gotten ripped apart by people who’ve told them their body isn’t good enough. Every time I hear stories like this I get so angry and so upset. I want to be in a business that builds people up, not breaks them down into what other people want them to be.

I don’t think there is such a thing as a “perfect body.” I think the idea of a perfect anything is total crap. There is so much power in loving who you are. If you’re confident, no one feels the need to question you. So maybe I don’t have all the muscle definition I’d like to have. That’s okay. For the first time in my life, I’m starting to feel confident in my own skin. I only hope that my future successfully leads me down a path towards helping others feel the same way.