Dear You,
From the moment I met you, I knew you were something different. Never had I made such a quick connection with a stranger. It was so odd to feel like I knew you for years when I'd only known you for a few hours. I have never fallen so quickly and so hard for someone the way I fell for you; I also know I will never be able to feel that way again.
Thank you, for the time we had together. Thank you for making me feel special. Thank you for adventuring with me. Thank you for the late nights and lazy mornings. Thank you for all the jokes, all the sweet texts, all the little gestures you knew made me happy. Thank you for the most memorable summer of my life. Thank you for giving me a glimpse of what I want in my future. But mostly, thank you for showing me what I deserve.
And I deserve someone better than you.
I'm not yours anymore. I honestly never really was. We had a summer fling but we were never official. We spent a summer together that most people would dream of, and I'll never forget what we had. But I spent so much time on wondering if I'd ever get to experience those kind of feelings with you again that I missed out on so many other opportunities. While I was missing you, you were moving on with her. You said you missed me, but how could you be? I could tell you were (and are) happy with her. And nothing hurt me more than when I would almost have myself convinced that I didn't need you or I didn't miss you anymore and you would just come waltzing back into my life, making me feel like you cared Because then I'd have to start all over again.
You'd call me late at night when you were home, just like you always did, like nothing had changed in your life and that I was still available for you. And silly me, I could just never say no. I was afraid to hurt your feelings. I was afraid that you'd know how much I really hate you for hurting me. But the craziest thing is, no matter how much I say and feel that I really dislike you, I still care for you. And that is a weakness I will never, ever understand.
You always got me to stay by referring to us as being in the situation of 'right person, wrong time.' My imagination ran with that one - I believed it, too. We really were great with each other, and when you would say that to me, I imagined that maybe someday we would find the 'right time' and finally work things out. I truly believed that someday we could be together. The false hope you instilled in me still hurts.
I know you care for me. I know I'm special to you just like you're special to me. But it is not fair. It's not fair that you can just call me when you're lonely and I'll be there, running into your open arms. It's not fair to me, because I'm not yours anymore. How am I supposed to believe I'm truly a prioritized person in your life if I am always just an option behind her? It's not fair to her either; she doesn't even know I existed. She doesn't know your heart is in two places. She's lucky to have you, but she deserves all of you - and I don't want the piece you've been lending to me over all these years anymore. I don't want you because you don't respect me enough to want all of me. And that's fine.
But please just remember, I'm not yours anymore. Don't call me the nicknames you gave me. Don't let me know when you're thinking of me because you're at our favorite places. Don't keep me updated on your new job. Don't send me any inside jokes. Don't ask me how I am and don't call me to hear my voice because you 'miss it.'
I cannot be yours anymore. I can't even be your friend anymore. I deserve to move on and believe in bigger things, better things, and healthier things. I deserve someone who will give me all of them unconditionally. It's going to be hard for me to ignore you and move on for good, but please just let me go. I was never yours to hold onto in the first place.
"You can't lose what you never had, can't keep what's not yours, and can't hold onto something that doesn't want to stay."
I really don't want to stay anymore. I wish you well, and I know you'll be thinking of me, so just know that I'm good. I'm doing really, really good. Without you, there's not much holding me back.
XO - Me
