Back in September 2017, I had been living with my cousins for the month prior, living off of cinnamon powdered donuts and every junk food known to man. I was a whopping (for my 5'1" frame) 130 pounds, the heaviest I had ever been, as I tended to be around 125ish pounds or so from about 15 to 20. I was unhappy with myself not because I felt "ugly," though I did, but because I was disappointed at how little I took care of myself.

When I moved into my grandparents' house I started to run on the treadmill at least once a week and slowly but surely carved about 3 to 4 pounds off in the month I did this. I was in no rush to lose weight and I was pretty happy with the progress.

Then around Halloween, I went through something incredibly traumatic. I'm not rehashing it here because I'm officially in a great place with that situation, so you can be filled in here or here. The stress of it overtook my mind and body. I stopped reading unless for school (which, if you know me, is a big deal) and withdrew from most people and things I loved.

I really believe I developed a sort of stress-induced bulimia.

That sounds like a bold statement, but hear me out. I would cry until I would vomit pure bile. I was never ever hungry, and when I did eat it rarely stayed down because the trauma surrounded me, so I never went long enough without crying for something to truly sit and digest. It was terrible and so painful.

But one day in April I was cleaning my closet out to prep for summer and pair of shorts I couldn't get past my thighs last summer were now too big on me! I was constantly told I had lost a ton of weight and I knew I had, but it really didn't hit me until those itty bitty Jagger shorts, as tight as the leather pants their namesake wore in his hey-day, were loose on me. I love how I looked in bikinis now and at my smallest ever I am 113 lbs.

Yes, I went from gaining weight from lack of self-care to losing it for the same reason, but I've decided to look at it from a lighter side. With those 17 pounds went most of my anxiety, my old life, and my old insecurities. I'm now taking this weight loss as the little push I needed to be the truly fit individual I want to be.

I got to see two polar opposite effects of lack of self-care, and it set me straight. I no longer wanted to just passively want to take my health into my own hands for the better, but really act on that want.

I like my new body quite a lot actually. I still have my insecurities: My boobs are a bit smaller and my butt is kinda gone, but that's okay because I know I'll never fully eliminate any insecurities and now I can use them to push me forward. I now have a new fitness goal that isn't "get skinny" but "get fit." I took my first kickboxing lesson and fell in love the other day and I can't wait to fully dive in!

I'm also really happy right now in all aspects of my life, with tons of supportive and loving people in it, both new and old. And I'm actually looking forward to gaining a little happy weight. I think it's a small price to pay for finally reaching the light at the end of the tunnel.

Same leggings. Same sports bra. Hell, I even think the same NECKLACE. Left: 9/8/17 & 130 lbs. Right: 5/22/18 & 113 lbs.