Dear Anxiety,
I know you haven't been around my whole life. You were there when I was a child and didn't even understand what was happening, but then with the right supplements I was able to make you go away. Even then, I didn't know your name. You were barely there for a good while, which I suppose I am actually grateful for. If only that could have lasted...
You reared your ugly head again just under a year ago. You really didn't pull any punches, just burst through the door with a bang and by bang I of course mean a panic attack. At the time I didn't remember my childhood 'daymares' as we called them. This all felt like new territory. The pain in my chest, the sweating, the inability to control my entire body shaking, not being able to catch my breath, the lightheadedness, the numbness that spread across the bottom of my face and both my hands, the unrelenting panic that gripped me, and of course the horrible feeling that I would never feel 'okay' again.
At first I tried to deny you were real. It was just a freak-out caused by external circumstances. There was nothing wrong with me. I could just convince myself I was fine. But you don't work like that. You're not rational, you don't make sense and you don't go away easily. I eventually accepted that you were a part of my life, I didn't want you there, but I didn't have much of a choice. I decided that I wanted to find natural ways to get rid of you.
I started taking the same supplements again and tried to get into the habit of meditating more. I kinda failed at keeping up with the meditation but that was okay because the supplements made you tolerable. I even started to have good days. As the good days became more frequent I got out of the habit of taking my pills and you saw that as an opportunity. And now I'm at the point where I have persistent anxiety but I rarely deem it bad enough to warrant taking the pills for it.
So thank you, thank you for being a constant strain in my life that it is almost impossible to get away from. Thank you for the bubbles in my chest that make it feel like I have a ton of bricks just sitting there. Thank you for making absolutely no sense, like why am I anxious about going to work? I've worked here for almost a year. Thank you for only ever getting worse when I'm stressed. Thank you for making me so damn tired all the time.
Thank you for making the smallest worries about money or school seem world-shattering. Thank you for taking normal day-to-day things and turning them into a mental battle. Like when you're ordering food and they get something wrong. There's a good chance I won't say anything because I'm too anxious. And last but not least thank you for making me paranoid that people hate me unless I have frequent reassurance. You are so awful and detrimental, I know for sure I'm not the only one who wishes you would just go away.
So f*ck you anxiety.
Sincerely,
Someone Who's Sick of Your Sh*t
