Freshman year of college is a new and exciting time for anyone. You are finally free from the prison that was high school. You no longer need to set that dreaded five AM wake up call and unwillingly sit in a plastic chair for six hours. Once you awkwardly walk across the stage and receive your diploma the world is your oyster. Many young people have this idea of what their college experience should look like. But what happens when that picture perfect image of college life is torn apart? What does one do when their freshman year looks nothing like any of their friends experiences? Just because your experience might not be so normal does not make it wrong. My freshman year was certainly not normal or idyllic, but that's ok.
My mom used to drag me to college visits. She would bribe me with a trip to Chipotle on the way home if I just kept an open mind while looking at potential campuses (I could never resist a free burrito). The schools were beautiful, the students seemed nice, and the majors sounded interesting, but all of those things still meant living away from home. That thought shot a wave of anxiety through my body. Leaving my home, my family, my serious boyfriend, and my hometown by the ocean made me feel sick to my stomach. I figured, that’s normal, right? I just need to pick a school and force myself to do this, because that's what everyone else is doing.
I decided on a gorgeous school in New Hampshire, I even got excited a few times. During those first few days after move in I made some new friends, got close to my roommate, and kind of got used to the idea of wearing shower shoes. I was getting invited to do things, people were asking for my number, I even had a cliche "I go to college now" Snapchat story of strobe lights and loud music that let's be honest, no one really wants to watch. The whirlwind that was the first weekend of college left me feeling pretty good. Fast forward to the second week of classes. I had been away for 2 weeks, and anxiety set in. I missed my parents, my siblings and my room. It was like this switch that turned on and sent me into full blown panic mode - and I couldn't turn it off. It was the kind of feeling where you are gasping for air, your body trembles, and your hands clench into fists. My adrenaline was rampant and the overflow of cortisol, a stress hormone, wreaked havoc on me both mentally and physically. I suddenly started to feel for people who have panic attacks regularly. I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to go to class, I just wanted to go home.
After a lot of tears, back and forth and a leave of absence, I decided that living away just wasn't for me, no matter how badly I wanted it to be. The bottom line was I could not force myself to do something that I just wasn't ready to do. I loved the campus, and my roommate was one of the sweetest people I've ever met, but I had to leave. Taking time at home wasn't necessarily any easier. I worried what people would think when they saw me back home, I was embarrassed. I also felt frustrated, alone, and angry all of the time. I thought, "why did this happen? why am I like this?" I saw pictures of my friends on Instagram and Facebook with their new college friends and Snapchat stories of parties. It drove me crazy. I had serious FOMO (fear of missing out) to say the least. I was jealous and upset that my anxiety had prevented me from experiencing such an exciting time of my life. I wanted to be at college, but it wasn't right.
They say that every storm runs out of rain. For a while I wasn't sure I believed that. My life was at this confusing fork in the road and I had no idea which way to turn. I realized that what I had to do needed to be the best decision for me, and there was a beautiful school only half an hour from home that held endless opportunities for me. Unlike so many of my friends, I did not live away my freshman year, but it still brought so many lessons and even a few good things. I have a new job that I love, completed all of my freshman credits, I'm going to a beautiful school, and even got a new car (Thanks Mom and Dad). Just as we are all unique individuals, our college experiences will be too. Some may move away and never look back, while others find comfort in their family and the familiarity of being close. Navigating the world outside of high school is hard no matter which route you choose, but staying true to yourself and your own needs despite what everyone else is doing is one of the bravest things you can do. I used to be convinced that I needed to be normal and live away my freshman year. I thought that anything else was unacceptable. I don't necessarily believe that anymore. Everyone has a vision for their freshman year of college, the reality is that it might look a lot different than you expected, but that's ok. Stay true to yourself, respect your limits, and enjoy whatever life has to offer you during young adulthood, even if it’s not so normal.
