We read the books. We watch the movies. We all dream to find that one person who makes the world seem a little bit better. However, it seems as if it takes mountains and rivers until you find that special someone. Sometimes we start talking to someone knowing it won't go anywhere but because you feel a connection or perhaps develop unwanted feelings... Or maybe you just need a distraction.

I had feelings for my best friend, but I knew I couldn't like him. We are to close and I knew the feelings could never be reciprocated. So as this other boy was flirting with me and trying to talk to me, I thought to myself what a perfect way to get my mind off my feelings for my best friend. Talking to this boy was definitely a confidence booster. Whenever we texted he would find ways to compliment me, like when I sent a picture of me in my prom dress he replied, "That's it... we're getting married."

Although the compliments were sweet and I adored the attention, I wasn't really interested in him like that. It's hard for me to get feelings for guys, and I think the only reason I liked my best friend was because he has been apart of my life for so long. He is the only guy in my life who's never hurt me in anyway. Besides the point, I didn't know what to do with this boy constantly flirting with me.

Practically every night I got texts like, "I want you too like me," and he would always want me to hang out. I never could when he asked and he got mad about that. Eventually he said if I want this to work I have to stop playing games. Implying I needed to pick a day we could actually hang out. When he said that to me, it messed me up. I didn't want to stop talking to him but I didn't want to fall for him-- I was conflicted beyond belief. I kept going with it. I told him we will hang out and he just has to bear with me.

The first time we hung out was at Tyler State park. When we first got to the park he walked to the water and he started skipping rocks. We than started to walk around the park and just explored. It was such a beautiful day out. There was a light breeze and the sun was softly warming the earth. Eventually we came across a bench and we sat there and just talked. He talked a lot more than I did, and opened up a lot more than I did. I just didn't know if I was ready to fully open up yet. As our time at the park came to an end, he asked if I had fun. Almost as if he needed reinsurance that I was interested in him. I ran into a problem though, I was starting to develop feelings.

As time went on we continued the flirting thing, however I was starting to get annoyed because he wouldn't talk to me in school, and we had first period together. It wasn't because he was embarrassed of me or ashamed to be talking to me, but because he just hardly talked in school. He talked to no one first period unless once in a while I initiated a conversation.

Time went on and one night while we were on FaceTime, he randomly brought up he was going to ask out this girl. I thought he was joking and I continued to talk to him normally, and he didn't stop me. Than the next time we hung out at a different park, he told me that he wasn't dating the girl he just told me that. And I believed him. I mean, why wouldn't I?

The second time we hung out we went to a different park. We practically did the same activities as last time. After attempting to teach me how to skip rocks and exploring yet again, he held my hand and we went to a bench. On the bench I found him sitting rather close to me. At times he would put his arm around me and move the hair that the wind was blowing in my face, out of my face. I instantly knew he was going to try to kiss me. As he leaned in slowly, I turned my head. I told him I didn't want him to kiss me unless he was planning on continuing to talk. Still trying to kiss me and me not allowing him to, he asked if I liked him. I told him I feel a connection and I was falling for him, and when I asked if he liked me, he said he wouldn't be trying this hard if he didn't. After that, we sat in silence and he looked down. He noticed scars I had up and down my arm. With the most sincere tone in his voice and worried eyes he asked if I still self-harm. I had to reinsure him I didn't constantly and he told me I shouldn't do that. As he went on and on about it I started to tear up, which I never bring myself to cry in front of boys. I felt so ashamed. He brushed my tear off with his thumb and started to lean in once more. This time I didn't fight him. I allowed him to kiss me. It was the first time I kissed a boy and actually felt the butterflies in the pit of my stomach that everyone always talks about. After the kiss we just sat on the bench still talking. His arm around me and my head just resting on his shoulder. Was this it? Did I finally have my movie moment?

A few nights later, he admitted that he actually was dating that girl. I felt disgusting and was so ashamed of myself I wanted to throw up and I kept crying. I never wanted to be the girl who allows someone to cheat on their girlfriend with, but he turned me into that. I don't know what got ahold of me, but when I found out, I basically sent him a text telling him to chose me. I told him I deserved a chance and he said he agreed. The only problem was he didn't break up with his girlfriend and he was only going to if the feelings were real. So being an optimistic girl I sat there, patiently. Day after day, night after night. I eventually got tired of waiting and my sadness turned into anger. I wanted to tell his girlfriend what happened. I didn't. I should have, but I didn't.

He eventually broke up with his girlfriend and we started talking again. Only to find out a day later, he was trying to talk to another girl. That was it for me. I didn't want to like him anymore. I just wanted to move on and get over it. It was a lot harder then I expected but I eventually did it.

In the end, I realized two things...

One, he wasn't who I thought he was. I thought he was a down to earth boy who has been hurt before. That he was in a rough spot and got himself out and he was full of wisdom and sensitivity. Instead I learned he was a narcissistic player who only cared about himself and his reputation.

And two, I tried to force the feelings I had for my best friend onto a boy who was just feeding me attention. I used him as a distraction and ended up hurting myself in the end.