We learn that being independent and in control is a good thing. Self-motivation and inner drive helps us do the ultimate best. This is true, but there’s a limit to everything, so where’s the limit to this? What does being independent and in control actually even mean? This line of what’s healthy and what’s not, often fades away since we are addicted to being on our own and doing it our way. I would like to speak on many people’s behalf, but for now I’ll speak for myself, as I continue to struggle to open up to others who offer a helping hand, as well as, knowing when to stop being so controlling.
My mom always told me that ever since I was a baby, I tried doing things by myself, whether it was trying to reach something from a shelf too tall for me, or not doing something her way. I don’t know what was going on in my little head at the time, but this trend continued as I grew older, and honestly speaking, a big part of me still has it today. I hardly ever cried for emotional reasons unless it was a passing away of a close relative, and I definitely didn’t open up to any of my friends as a child. I wanted to stay in control of body and mind and call myself independently. But as I began maturing and meeting more people, building new relationships, I realized it was possible to stay independent without rejecting a shoulder to cry on or a helping hand.
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My first learning experience for this was with my sister. Of course, she, being three years older than me, had been with me all my life, but for the longest time it was just joking around, not actually opening up to each other. But then again, how deep of a conversation can a third and fifth grader have? I remember it was my freshman year in high school that I had my first breakdown. New school, different friends, feelings towards boys, and responsibilities that I had never heard of before. I could feel all the emotions, happiness, sadness, overwhelming stress, tiredness, all mixing together and making my head pound. It was in the Publix parking lot around 10:00 p.m. that for the first time ever I cried everything out, to my sister. In the moment, it felt good. Finally, everything built up inside me came out, but later after I calmed down, I felt, for a lack of better word, sh*tty. I had lost control. Though the tears were shed, the migraines were felt, the words were exchanged, I felt like someone had taken over my body; I absolutely hated it. That wasn’t the person I wanted to be. I thought about that night a lot, and now, four years later, I realize that only happened because of the way I used to handle everything. My mentality of, “Just push it to the back of your head and move on.” I, unfortunately, subconsciously still do this, but I am trying to improve on my methods of controlling my emotion and stress in healthy ways.
Over the years, I finally found people I fully trust and can go to any time of the day. Building the relationship I have with my mom was one of the best things that has happened to me; continuing to find people out there that care so much and are willing to hear me out shows me that the moments I truly am not in control I can go to them and regain that grip on my life again. I can stand back up independently, but have someone to help me when I fall.
For many years, I have had this vision of being independent as being physically and emotionally on your own at all times, but over the course of time, I’ve realized that that is so untrue and human interaction is only there to help. Of course, talking to the right people at the right time is a huge factor to all this, but with good judgement, it is possible. There continues to be moments where I refuse to talk to anyone about what’s going on and want to deal with it my way, but every personality is different and I consider myself, relatively, hard headed. Finding this outlet for emotions, though, has helped me so much in being more successful than I would’ve ever been if it wasn’t for those few that I’ve gone to on days I can’t handle myself.
So, if you’re like me, and have random days where you think to yourself, what am I doing? Or why am I falling when I should be standing? Talk it out or find an outlet. Other perspectives can only broaden your mind, and maybe next time, you won’t have to physically talk it out; you can just think of what that family member or friend had said to you when you were feeling down. Being independent and opening up to others simultaneously is possible, and healthy. Keeping it all inside of you may even cause you to end up being not so in control in the end.
