You've changed my life. And I don't mean that lightly. I've only ever said that to one other person in my life, my stepmom. I knew who you were growing up but there was always a wall between us, no real my words to yours interaction. That first interaction though, I'll literally never forget. It was New Years Eve. The wall that was between us came crumbling down and took me with it. But you were there. You picked me up. Figuratively that is, with a scratch off ticket and McDonald's. Did you know that McDonald's meal was the first thing a guy had ever paid for for me? You sat with me all night. You didn't say much and neither did I because well we didn't have to. Both of us are intelligent enough to know there are some words that are meant to go unsaid. We played cards. And frankly I kicked your ass. All of the games we played were purely luck but you let my ego have the moment. You changed the way I saw you that night and the next few days when you checked in on me. I didn't see you as a f-boy (you all know what I mean) anymore. I saw you as a friend and my friend at that. I spent the next five months with a whirl of emotions. I missed you, I stalked you online, I believed a strangers word before hearing yours, I yelled at you, I hated you, I forgave what I thought you did, I realize you never did anything, and I opened my life to you. In two short weeks you became one of my best friends. I spent two whole nights talking to you after everyone else had fallen asleep. We talked about nothing. I couldn't even tell you now what it all was but that nothing meant everything to me. That nothing was me getting to know you and vice versa. That nothing is responsible for what we have now.

But what do we have now?

For me it's simple, we're exclusively dating. I know in our generation you'd say talking. That's not what's going on between us. We're more than talking. If a guy hit on me I'd tell him no. If I was going on vacation I'd ask you to come with. If I was sick I'd want you holding me, forcing me chicken noodle soup and cold medicine. For right now that's all I can give you though. A relationship means something totally different to me. As a survivor of domestic abuse being in a relationship is a serious step for me. It's not just a label. It's not just calling you my boyfriend. It's telling you what I've been through. It's trusting you not to hurt me in any possible way. It's you understanding so many more things than you know. I don't want that label right now. I can't handle that label right now because I'm still healing from my past. I have to be whole again before I start a full blown relationship with you. I want you to complement me, not complete me. I want a healthy relationship, to give you what you deserve. In order to do that I have to heal on my own. Even so I still like you. I'm still falling for you, more everyday. I simply don't want a relationship right now. That's not to say I'll never want one. In time and with your understanding there very well may be one. I even plan on there being one given how good of a guy I know you are. I need time that's all. I may be saying no in this very moment but I pinky promise you I'm not saying never.