Every little girl imagines their big day - their wedding day. They dream about it until it happens and then they continue to after it's over. When I was little, I never really pictured my wedding day. Now that I am 22 years old and I already have a child, I think about it often but not really because I am not ready for that lifestyle.

When girls imagine their wedding day, they think of the possible destinations they could get married (realistic or not), they choose their colors, flowers, they think of their bridesmaids based on who they played with at school that day. As they get older, they imagine more details. They imagine being walked down the aisle by their father as he cries at the idea of giving away his little girl to another man to care for her. They imagine their mother looking at dresses with them, helping them put their dress on for the big day, being their getaway driver if their feet get cold, they imagine their family all around, but the most important thing is the mother and daughter dances or father and daughter dances.

All of these things are wedding traditions. It's only natural for girls to imagine their wedding day just like people see in the movies. I only started imagining and planning my wedding very recently. I'm years behind. I started planning my wedding when my mom and I both knew she wasn't going to be here much longer. We both wanted to do it now so that when that day came, I had it all figured out & I could say that my mom helped me with all of it. I realized during all of that planning that she wasn't going to physically be there with me on the biggest day of my life. I knew when I was 12, after my dad passed away, that he wouldn't be there either.

Now here I am, imagining my wedding & all of the different things I will have to cut out of my wedding or the things I will have to add to it to honor both of my parents. I already know who is going to walk me down the aisle when that day comes, but I still can't help but feel sad that it won't be my father. I won't get to dance with my father. He won't even meet the man I will marry, even though I'm used to him not being around for my first dates, it's harder to think he won't be around for that. I won't get to go shopping with my mom and she won't be sitting right there, in the front row. She won't be the one to stand up when I walk in to let everyone else know it's time to stand. She won't be there to thank for teaching me to be the woman I have become & she won't be there to thank for showing me my worth as I finally found someone who sees it for themself. Two important people in my life won't be at the most important day of my life & to be blunt - it just sucks.

I know that they will both be there with me but it's perfectly okay for me to wish I could hug them that day. It's okay for me to want my mom and dad to physically be sitting right by me. It's okay for me to be jealous that all of my siblings at least had our mom there for their wedding day. I'm learning that it is perfectly okay for me to be sad about things most people would be ecstatic for. I'll always miss my parents & I will never be okay that they won't be there for me that day...& that's okay.