I used to think that if I was in a relationship, I would be happy.
But not just if I was in one. That I had to be in one to be happy. That I absolutely had to have a boyfriend to be happy.
I craved the male attention all my friends got in high school and in college. And while I did do good for myself, my relationships NEVER worked out. As epic as a fail could be, it was my love life. It was always hard watching all my closest friends be in cute relationships when I had problems just getting someone to go to prom with me my senior year. And don't even get me started on formal dates for my sorority.
I let myself get depressed and stressed out over boys. And for what? Nothing. At the end of the day, I was alive and well. Why couldn't I just be thankful for that? I wasn't the skinniest, the prettiest, the sweetest, the holiest. I was just me, and it was like it was never good enough for anyone. It took me 19 years, but I finally fixed my problem.
I didn't love myself. I always hated small things about myself, and never ever appreciated all of my talents or all of the great things I had the ability to do. I found out my first year of college that I had purpose. Moving away from home was scary, but I was ready. I was ready to make new friends and find myself. I found out that I was funny. People actually thought I was funny, and I made them laugh. I found out I was an artist, something I literally never knew. I found out I was a great writer. I found out I was prettier than I ever gave myself credit for. I gained skills, joined clubs, and I was so happy. I became totally happy with myself, and for the first time in my life... I didn't care if I had a boyfriend.
If not now... then when?
After a few long talks with God, I noticed that my love that I finally had for myself was making me a better person. I asked him daily, if not now, then when? When will I find someone for me? A verse that always came to me was this:
"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, in love."
Ephesians 4:2
I needed to be patient, to be humble and thankful for all the great things I have now. To wait.
So while all my friends sat with their significant others and I sat alone, I had it all figured out. I need to keep taking time for me. Keep doing me.I don't need a significant other to be happy. I am already happy. I will not go out and try to find anyone, either. I will continue to do me and enjoy my life. And if someone happens to come along, i'll be ready.
So it may not be NOW like you want it to be, but it may be soon. It may not be. But until you are totally happy with yourself, it will not happen. Don't let someone else control your happiness.
Make it happen.. yourself.
