*** DISCLAIMER: Trigger warning! This story is based on real events, but details have been changed for privacy reasons. I would not recommend reading this if the national (and global) epidemic that is sexual harassment/assault is not something you are concerned about***

Hey. I mean, hi. I don't want to come off too flirtatious. It's a Saturday night and everyone's probably not sober here, right? Don't want to take any chances. It's Halloweekend (Halloween Weekend). Everyone looks awesome, the music is loud, the rooms are dark, sweaty bodies move in a sea of endless motion. It's a familiar scene for most of us in college, right?

Yeah. It's fun, I came here with my friends. Where are they? Somewhere around. I keep an eye on them but I like to talk to my other friends too. Will I dance with you? Sure, but only for a song or two.

Whoa, wait a second. What's your name? Nice to meet you, I'm (insert name: not easy, or vulnerable. Thanks for asking). This song is great, but it's so hot in here. I would dance more with you but we're both sweaty and it's gross. You seem nice though I guess.

Hey! Don't do that. Whoaaa, chill. Not here, not now. I don't even know your last name dude. A little friendly affection? Sure, but I'm not wearing shorts under this dress and I never said you could grab my ass. Whatever.

Ok, now this is getting pretty uncomfortable. You CANNOT touch me there. Not in public, and ESPECIALLY not without my CONSENT. Maybe I flirted too much? no, couldn't be that. I've barely said 20 words to the guy. I didn't touch him at all in the way he's clinging to me like I'm his only hope for the entire night.

This is getting irritating. Time to move. I need to find my friends anyway

Hey guys! Are you ready to leave, too? It's been a long night, I have work in the morning... OK. I can wait another 30 minutes that's fine. I'll dance some more with (insert friend name here).

Oh. It's you again. Sorry, I'm busy trying to get a hold of a friend. Can you get out of my way? I need to call her. OK, seriously, GO AWAY. No, nothing is wrong, I just need to find my friend. No, I'm not lying. Stop. Seriously move. I'm not being a tease?? Sure, put your number in my phone just so I can get rid of you. Hey! I'll do it. Maybe I'm overreacting? It's my phone though, and my friends are leaving soon. I need to find them now. OK. Give it back. Don't text anyone! You're texting yourself? Shit. I don't want you having my number. OK, good night, bye. No I don't wanna kiss. No, I don't to go home with you. How am I being a tease? I owe you nothing just because we danced during one bass-filled song. Don't try to kiss me. Ew. Your sweat is on my cheek. I need to bolt and lose this one. Bye, I'm going. No, I'm finding my friends to go home with them, NOT you.

Finally. Found my group. He was annoying as hell and way too aggressive. I'm tired. This is not the way I wanted to end the night. It's time to go.

Yayyy, I'm so ready to get some sleep. It's been a long day. Hey don't worry, I'll hold you up, girl. Are you good? Grab her other arm (insert friend name here). OK. Ready? Left, right, left, right. Let's get her back to her room first.

OK. We're almost back to campus. A quick recap of the night with my pals on the way home is all I need to end the night on a good note. What happened? Who? Where was (insert another mutual friend(s) name here)? Ah... Wait. He did what?! Are you ok? Who was this guy? Wait a second... Was he (insert physical characteristic/costume here). No. I think I know who that is. What was his name? It's OK if you don't remember, love. Hey, it's not nothing. That isn't ok. What an asshole... I'm sorry girl, I know how that feels. It's violating. You got away from that creep, right?

(Insert other friend's name here): Wait you know him, too? Why didn't you say something to him? Oh, OK. But still, you need to tell him he can't pull that shit with people. It isn't right. It's harassment... OK, I don't care if you're friends. He was creepy. To (other friend's name) and to me. At least I think. I think he was the person she described. Alright. Yeah, tell him.

Good night you guys. I'll see you for lunch, OK? OK. Get her home safe. Comfort her. She doesn't feel good. I'm going to my room.

*************************************************

Just another night, another normal house party, right?

Not right. There were so many things that were not right. I experienced them, and my friend(s) did too. But hasn't every girl or woman? Aren't we used to this kind of treatment?

Yes, yes we are used to the normalization of sexual harassment. In all forms, at all times, in all places. We minimize it, we even deny the occurrence. But that doesn't make that sickening feeling in our stomachs disappear. Nothing can. Alcohol or drugs may numb it for some people, but that isn't enough.

And then our friends normalize it. It happened to her, too, and her, and that girl I go out with occasionally... it even happened to him. Different creeps, all-too-familiar stories. So it is normal, right?... Um, hard question. The short answer is no. It may seem normal, but it isn't. It is a plague disguised as that cute guy in the baseball cap across the room, the really friendly "friend" you've known a semester, that star swimmer on our school's swim team — whose name is Brock I believe. This kind of predatory behavior may seem normal in our culture here, but it is NOT. It is NOT acceptable, and should NOT be tolerated by anyone. Bystander or otherwise.

Maybe I shouldn't have danced with that guy. He didn't seem creepy at first, though. But I was a flirt, it's my fault... But, it isn't my fault. By no means do I owe him anything of myself for giving him ten minutes of attention in a dark room with a strobe light, loud music, and a sea of people around. He said I'm a tease. No, I'm not, but he is sexist. Why would he try to guilt trip me? Oh yeah, I know why. You do too. That's what he wants. I'm a slut and a tease until I give him what he wants and then it's ok because he got some for the night. The classic slut-shamer. The creeps do this whether one's behavior is provocative (or "slutty" as defined by the vague general definition society gives us) or not. My friend was just talking to him, nothing more, and she got groped... What? Why?

Rape culture is why.

It pervades everywhere. In every situation. It is the ever-present thought that goes something like ok, but what was she wearing? How much did person X drink? That attempts to minimize, dismiss or victim-blame for occurrences that become seemingly justified because of the rape culture that exists in our society.

It isn't alcohol or drugs, the costumes or the party itself.

It's rape culture.

And we live in the midst of it as college students.

I don't want to be a statistic. Neither do you, neither do your future children, neither does your friend, or any family member.

SO PLEASE,

Do NOT be a bystander. Do not let your friend go home with that guy she just met no matter how many times she says she's fine — even after she says she's "sober now." DO NOT stand idly by while others around you are noticeably uncomfortable because of another's actions in your vicinity. Speak up, stand up, retaliate.

We need to all be conscious consumers of the society we buy into socially, politically, and economically. We are the constant perpetrators and maintainers of this culture of ours. So in order to change it, we ALL must act.

Understand consent, understand all types of assault, and make your voice heard.

Also, go vote on election day (and please, make it count).

Grab the bull (that is rape culture) by its horns, not the woman by "the p*ssy." That's sexual assault. Don't be that person.

Sincerely,

Girls and women everywhere. In all situations, from all walks of life.