I had a summer job. I was going to be working at the same summer camp for the 5th year. I wasn’t going to be making the biggest salary ever, but I was going to be making more than I had ever made during the summer.

I’d actually have spending money. I’d actually be able to save some to do things like pay back my parents, go out with friends, and indulge just a bit when I move to England.

But, I gave it up. I quit. I did. This job was always a backup, and I knew I didn’t really want to be there.

I couldn’t imagine myself working the long hours yet again. Or doing a job that was comfortable but didn’t align with my interests.

I found myself grasping at straws to be excited about it, but mostly thought I’d be miserable and uncommitted to the position.

So yeah, I looked elsewhere. I found something else to occupy my time...I’ll have an internship, but I won’t really be making $$ this summer.

I’ll be working with a new demographic. I’ll be learning new skills. And most importantly, I won’t feel stuck in a setting I’ve already outgrown.

This is such a privilege, I’m realizing. The fact that I don’t HAVE to provide an income for myself this summer is SUCH a privilege. The fact that I can choose what I want to do and try something different and new and interesting is SUCH a privilege.

But I also recognize that it would be an injustice to myself to spend 2 months in a place I would regret. A situation that I’ve already dreaded in the past. Why would I subject myself to that again when another opportunity is at my fingertips?

My life is short, and my life is mine. I don’t want to be selfish about it, but I do want to treat myself right.

Maybe this is part of loving myself, and it is certainly part of understanding who I am.

This internship feels like it is more of a step in the right direction, and the job feels like a step back.

So, I’m sorry that I won’t be able to provide for myself as much as I could. But I do believe I will feel richer in my soul.