When we lose a relationship with a person, we feel like we lose apart of ourselves. From breakups to close ones moving far away, to death, the act of that individual leaving our life often takes a toll on our mind and spirit. Ex-best friends lose the inside jokes they once shared with each other; ex-partners lose hope in finding a life-long companion; those living lose the light from the ones that have passed. We become acutely aware of ourselves when someone leaves our life. We feel like we’ve lost time, or worse, wasted it on someone who didn’t stick by us through everything.

We forget about all the exciting moments, experiences and shared memories that lead us to cherish the person that we lost. We will often feel angry and betrayed, or lost and confused. It takes time to move past these stages of grief, but once we get past them we’ve got to start looking at the positives of that lost relationship. Strange, I know, but when diamonds lose the pressure and temperature that molded them, they are left bright, reflecting light off themselves in stunning arrays of color. You are that diamond.

With each relationship lost, you gain insight to who you are as an individual. You are taught silly things about yourself that you like (thank you ex-best friend for my love of banana peppers…it really is a whole new world in terms of pizza now!) and don’t like (thank you ex-lover, for helping me to realize that I do, in fact, hate Root Beer). You are also taught serious things about yourself that you needed help learning (thank you ex-best friend for teaching me how to love the skin I’m in, even when I’m not happy with it all the time) or things that you hadn’t even thought about before (thank you Great-Grandma, for showing me that there is just something special about sending a letter or a card, instead of a text message or email).

When you find yourself lost in grief over a lost relationship and all the things that went wrong, take a moment to remember the good things and the things that you learned from that person. Lost friendships give you great memories and stories, while also helping you feel loved and accepted for loving that fandom you should probably take a break from (me with Supernatural), ex’s teach you what you do and don’t want in a partner, and those that pass away leave you with cherished memories and experiences you will forever hold on to, to recall when you need them most.

So, if you find yourself focused on the negatives of a lost relationship, I challenge you to take 5 minutes to focus on what that relationship taught you and the happy memories that you have.