I come from a family that is devoted to God even if they do not go to church. Christianity is their lifestyle, and I respect the devotion and faith that my family has for their religion. I am 18 now and as I am getting older, I realized a few years ago that I did not have the same level of faith and belief as my family. It was an awkward time for me and also full of fear. Fear my family would shame me for not being like them, but mostly fear because I no longer wanted to attend church.

I danced with the ministry at my church and as much as I loved to dance and the people I danced with, I could never "feel the spirit." I never felt anything really and it was hard for me to realize this because I grew up with the word of God and didn't experience some backlash from my parents when I told them. I told them when I was 17 and was a bit disappointed with their lack of approval. ‘You can't be agnostic.’ are words that I distinctly remember because someone who isn't me knows me better than myself, right? The disapproval came in when I said I didn't want to go to church. It was fine I didn't necessarily believe in God, but not going to church was the deal breaker. I was told I was too young to know and that when I turned 17, maybe we could talk about it.

A year later and my mind is still made and I do not go to church but neither does my family. I'm proud of my family for realizing who they are and that they are just as devoted as any other Christian that does go to church. I simply wish they would have let me done the same, my age didn't and shouldn't have invalidate my feelings because they were genuine. They still are genuine and I wish I would have had more support on my own journey.

As a youth, when I didn't receive support, it was hard to stick to my mindset because a lot of my mindset relied on validation and that support. Mom and dad weren't totally against it, but they didn't support it either and I remember crying myself to sleep because I was too different from my own family; The people that I live with and see daily. I had to look into my own feelings alone and didn't know where to begin. While I didn't feel the presence of a higher power, I also think the universe is too big to deny that one could exist. Atheism wasn't the word to describe me and neither was Christianity so what was I?

Agnostic.

An agnostic is a person who claims neither faith nor disbelief in God. I do not believe anyone who believes in a high power or powers is necessarily ignorant and I don't think atheists are prudes for not believing in anything. They simply can not say God exists but they can't deny it either. As much ambiguity that comes with being agnostic, the maybe and maybe not stance on every religion, I have come to accept it easier than Christianity. ‘Well, you're doing it because Christianity is work and you want easy.’ were words I remember when I realized this. I will say, realizing you are different than the majority, is not something that is easy to accept. I get noses turned up from both atheists and Christians and it still stings slightly, but I am my own person and will believe in what I want to.

I will continue the agnostic path because it brings me the most peace in my life currently and maybe I will return to Christianity some day but only if I feel it. I want people to know that there is no one way to life. You can certainly choose one but please, do not be afraid to find what makes you comfortable when you get the opportunity to. Just because I grew up Christian, didn't mean that I had to stay one all my life. I really wish someone had told me that about religion when I was younger. There is more to religion than just do you believe in God or don't you? Something so complex could never be that simple.