I want to introduce you all to Lori Rose, Relationship and Intimacy Coach and Speaker, who I’ve been lucky to call a mentor for the last few years. It was only natural that she be the person I call when I first realized that boundaries in our professional and personal relationships are the answer to communicating the way to happy; by setting and expressing them with ourselves and others, the path to happiness is paved.
So let’s start with the basics: what is a boundary? Well, a boundary sets limitations but doesn’t build walls. When boundaries are established, their purpose isn’t necessarily to shut out and cut off the person on the other side. Establishing boundaries, “allows us to maintain our whole self, to maintain our center.” Lori explained that, “when we don’t have a boundary, we can allow things into our bubble that turn out to be toxic, overtaking, or cause us to feel like less.” Moral of the story, boundaries protect our value.
Recommended for you
When you’re in the safe space of setting boundaries, the next step and sometimes the hardest step, is to communicate them from a place of respect and kindness. A proven, relationship-building way to communicate your boundaries effectively is to utilize a skill founded by Marshall Rosenberg called Nonviolent Communication or NVC (which I break down below). Lori described NVC as “a way to set an equitable playing field for each person’s feelings and needs to be expressed, so that you can reach a place of mutual understanding.” If we’re not able to express ourselves and reach this space, Lori emphasized, “we’re in danger of burying feelings, letting resentment build, and actually disconnecting from the people we care about,” on the one hand, or “abandoning a part of ourselves in attempt to keep a connection going.”
Another important use of NVC is for your own health. “Remember that your most important relationship is the one you have with yourself, yet often our self-talk is more negative and detrimental than how we’d communicate with anyone else!” Lori stated. “NVC starting with ourselves fosters compassion and sets the stage for managing any conflict or difficult situation well — by focusing on the behavior, not the person.” NVC is your four-step guide to expressing your needs, sharing your boundaries, and using your voice to be free.
Step 1: State an observation.
Making a factual observation is what keeps kindness in the conversation. Kindness doesn’t assume, it doesn’t blame or shame, it doesn’t name call, and it doesn’t generalize. Lori gave the example, “I noticed you left your dishes in the sink Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday”, yes to observation! However, “I noticed you left your crap all over the place,” will not fly.
Step 2: State a feeling.
The challenge is to restrain from telling the person you feel like they’re being an asshole. Maybe they are being an asshole but “I” statements quickly turn into blaming and shaming if they aren’t followed by emotion. It’s important that you’re saying I feel anxious, I feel resentful, I feel misunderstood, I feel angry, I feel EMOTION.
Step 3: State a need.
What’s missing to throw off balance in the relationship? Rosenberg provided a list of common human needs that act as a starting place to help you discover what’s missing. Connection, physical well-being, honesty, play, peace, autonomy, and meaning are the main categories which break down to specifics; for example, choice, freedom, and space are more specific needs of autonomy. (https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory)
Step 4: State a request.
This is the boundary. This is a specific and actionable request to satisfy your need. Lori brilliantly emphasized that your medium of NVC doesn’t always have to be face to face, “especially if someone has triggered you feeling emotionally or physically unsafe in their presence,” she emphasized. You’re allowed to pick up the phone or put pen to paper and explicitly ask for what you need.
The challenge with setting any boundary is to first recognize that a boundary needs to be established. If you don’t see the issue in your relationship, you’ll never set appropriate boundaries, and you will continue to live outside your center and away from true happiness. In these situations, pay attention to the people close to you and what they’re saying. Your friends and family know you; they know how bright you shine and they’ll be the first to catch its dim.
The bottom line is to start working on you and remember, as Lori expressed, boundaries are not selfish.
“It is an obligation to The Divine to set boundaries so that we can maintain our own health and our own light and serve,” -Lori Rose
To learn more amazingly wonderful knowledge from her check out therosemodel.com, or find her on Instagram or Facebook @therosemodel, and take the first step to finding your voice again.
Peace, love, and you’ll never find happy in stores, people, or place; you’ll find happy in your center.
xoxo
Andrea
