How many relationships have I had? Let’s see. Twenty minus two plus six. Oh yeah, one. Yep, just one and I am okay with it. I am okay with being single because of the way I feel. I am able to live my life how I want to and not how anyone else wants me to.
My one relationship was not what I wanted. It was more like “someone wants to date me, I better date them before the opportunity goes away.” I liked it at first because it was so new and warm feeling. However, it soon changed. There were so many things that I did not like. I was annoyed by the things he did but I was more annoyed that I wasn’t free anymore. Someone depended on me besides my family and friends. It felt weird and icky like I was in third grade again. Our relationship went further when we graduated from high school and we decided to have a long distance relationship.
You can probably guess the outcome of the relationship. It ended and I was okay with it. I was so tired of being in a long distance relationship. I wanted to feel free again and able to do anything I wanted. This feeling didn’t last long though. I missed him and I saw him quite frequently when I was home for the summer. It was “love”, I thought. Something that I didn’t want to let go of. I soon realized that I was wrong. My parents helped me to discover this fact. They did something at the time that made me cry for days. They didn’t know that I was still seeing him and I had left my phone out. They recognized the number and they went through my phone. I was so frustrated and angry because they had seen everything that we had discussed. It made me so mad but looking back on it I realize that it was the smartest thing that they could have done for me.
I soon quit talking to him for the fear that my parents would find out. Sometimes I would try to talk to him but then I would remember why we broke up. It didn’t work and it wasn’t going to work again. I would talk to him to fill the empty space in my heart but it didn’t work. I just needed some friends. I needed the love that they gave to me instead of the “love” that he gave to me.
After this, though I was surrounded by friends, I found that I was often alone in the relationship realm. I wanted someone else to be with all the time. I wanted attention from boys. However, once I received it I found that I didn’t really like it. I fell for a guy that changed his mind and then I just got hurt. I remember saying to myself “why did I let this happen again?” I became irrational and depressed with so many other emotions that I did not want to have. I just wanted to feel free again.
This summer, I took a step back from focusing on boys. I reanalyzed my priorities and looked toward my future. I realized that I don’t need to be in love to be happy. My friends and family are what I need. Being in love would be nice but it’s not going to determine how I feel about myself. Maybe I’ll find a nice boy and let something happen but I’m happy right now. I am free and in love with my life. I love my friends. I love my family. I love myself.
