My life has just become one big shade of grey. Everything is black and white, wrong or right, good or bad, complete opposites - you name it. Yet while I'm stuck constantly feeling the need to be on one side of the spectrum or the other, I find myself in the middle. Every. Single. Time. And I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to choose anymore, because choosing means feeling something, and I don't want to.
But by not feeling anything, I have become robotic, emotionless, anti social - somebody else. I don't like this person, but I don't know how to get rid of her. I don't know how to just feel again. I don't know how to go back to when everything was okay and things were normal because things aren'tnormal and I am not okay.
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I have people, I have support, I have love, I have relationships, I have respect, I have family, I have trust, I have honesty, I have constant examples of happiness. Yet for some reason, none of that seems to matter like it used to. I used to spend my time worrying about those things all the time, you know? The little things, because that's what always mattered to me. Now? I don't know what matters anymore.
God keeps giving me these amazing opportunities. And I truly believe in my heart that he's trying to give me the resources I need to not just find that girl that I've lost, but to find an even better version of her.
That girl that used to want nothing more than to interact with her peers and create long lasting relationships, she's lost. That girl who would always always always spend her free time playing music and singing along, she's lost. That girl who always wanted to go out and do fun spontaneous things, she's lost. That girl who just wanted to find someone to spend forever with, she's lost. That girl who would do absolutely anything to be there for the people she cared about, she's lost. That girl that wanted to keep in touch with everyone all the time when she was far away, she's lost. That girl who everyone loved, the one people became friends with, the one people have relationships with, she's lost. But an even better version of her is trying to make her way back.
So I'm asking all of you to bear with me. Bear with the empty cocoon I have become because the butterfly that once inhabited this body has flown away and just hasn't found her way back yet. I'm asking you to continue to show your love, to continue your support, honesty and respect. I'm asking you to keep me accountable for changing the things that push me further away from finding that girl who used to be here.
I think the butterfly just needs a little bit of help navigating her way back. But I also don't think its going to be the easiest journey. I need to learn how to let myself feel. I need to learn how to swim and stop drowning. I need to learn how to look towards the beautiful sunrise and just love the views ahead. Thats what that butterfly always used to do. She needs your help.
She's lost. But no worries, she will be found.
