When men catcall me on the street, I flip them off. Every time. It’s something I do even though I know it won’t make them stop. Most of the time, they continue their jeering and gesturing as if I didn’t do anything at all, as if my act of defiance is no more bothersome to them than a gnat buzzing by their ear. But I flip them off anyway because that’s a part of my feminist philosophy. That’s my way of giving the finger not only to those ugly-hearted truck drivers but also to the patriarchy and how it teaches men that that women are objects and not people.

But hear me when I say this: I do not expect other women to do the same.

Not every woman has been sexually assaulted, not every woman has ended up behind a dumpster because she gave the old F-you to a college perv, not every woman has been grabbed on a bus, but every woman knows someone who has. Every woman has seen the news stories where women who stand up for themselves are attacked, are harassed, end up dead. Every woman knows that if they flip off that truck driver, they are potentially endangering their life.

As a feminist and a woman and a human being with a capacity for empathy, I will never ask any woman to put themselves in danger, even in a situation where I might have, were I them. And I would never accuse a feminist of not caring enough about advocacy just because she didn’t want to end up as another tragic news story.

And this isn’t just something that applies to feminists: this is an issue for all advocates.

The strength of our advocacy diminishes exponentially when we criticize other advocates and say they just don’t care as much as we do. We as advocates need to acknowledge and respect each other’s limits. Is it reasonable to say that these issues only get fixed when they are talked about? Yes. But it is also reasonable to say that whenever any advocate speaks out against hatred or prejudice or inequality, they are putting themselves in the position not only to receive criticism but to also receive death threats and personal attacks. Asking advocates to endanger their livelihood, mental health, and physical safety for a cause, even if their cause is justified and important, is a very big request.

To give you some context (though if you have partaken in any advocacy efforts at all then you probably have your own context), here are some statistics. The most common group to receive online harassment is men and women ages 18-24. The subgroup most likely to receive severe harassment? Young women. According to a 2014 survey, approximately 25% of young women ages 18-24 have experienced sexual harassment online. 23% of young women have received physical threats online, and 18% of young women have received sustained harassment from one individual.

It is clear that if women want to speak out publically against inequality and sexism, then they are legitimately at risk for online harassment. And not everyone has the emotional stamina to advocate in that way. Not everyone wants to be a social media martyr for their cause, and not only is that completely understandable, but it is OK. It is OK for these feminists to advocate in ways that feel good and safe for them. And it is OK for the women who do not want to risk their lives for a cause to still call themselves feminists. In other words, it is OK for your advocacy to look a bit different than mine.

The reason I advocate so boldly, the reason I flip men off, the reason I will absolutely and completely shut down the boys in my class who are rude to me because of my politics, is because that is my specific, personal way of advocating for my rights. But you don’t have to advocate like I do. You don’t have to write controversial articles and have old white men argue about them on Facebook. You don’t have to stand up for things unless you want to. And you don’t have to sit there and let other people tell you that you must not care as much just because your advocacy looks different than theirs.

In times like this, the equal rights movement can use all the help it can get. We need to stop alienating our allies and support our members. Only then can we begin to make progress towards a better country and a better world.