I am a planner. I like knowing what's going to happen and being prepared for the future. It's worked out for me so far, given my undesirable amount of anxiety coursing through my body 24/7. Planning is good. Planning is how I live my life.
Yet, when it came to the date that extended beyond college graduation day, the world seemed to extend into everything and nothing all at once. My mind couldn't begin to fathom what would lie beyond those 4 years of undergrad- and so I chose simply to ignore it.
And still, the fateful day came. As I walked across the stage to get a diploma worth four years of hard work and confusion and mistakes, I couldn't help but feel a massive sense of disappointment. There was no longer anything set in motion. Nothing to come next. I had finished what everyone had expected of me and now all that I was left with was my own lack of self-ambition.
I had no idea what to do. And it sucked.
I felt like I had the weight of everyone's expectations pulling me down with each new question of, "what are doing after you graduate?" or "what are you doing now?". And It's not that I couldn't get a job or that I hated my major, but that the world seemed too big for little ol' me.
I didn't feel like I achieved anything or lived up to something worth my parent's admiration (or money). I didn't feel proud of myself or confident in what I was doing. It just all seemed like too much too fast. How was I supposed to choose out of all the jobs in all the world? Where I want to live? If I want to have a boyfriend or husband or family?
So...you may be wondering what comes next for me now that I graduated. Or maybe you don't care (because same). But the truth of the matter is I'm still figuring it out. I'm still searching- for a job, for a purpose, for that tiny moment of satisfaction in purposeful and unyielding work that I do in this life, for it all.
Graduation wasn't a big deal in my book. I'm waiting for those moments of quiet celebration. The ones of significance where I know I'm making a difference or positively making an impact on the world.
I hope one day I can proudly show people what I'm doing that doesn't just impact me. I hope I can one day show my work that has so much more to do with the world than just me.
I'm fine with waiting. And know that if you're struggling to figure out what comes next in life, no matter your age, the next right thing will come and you will conquer it just like you have everything else in life.
