Good Lord am I in a rush! I’ve got so much to do! Got to stop by Lowe’s, pick up some mulch for the yard, get to the post office before they close, scream at the sun, take out the trash. I simply do not have time to peel this string cheese!

Life is a struggle, 'cept when I'm mulchin!

My coworkers always comment ‘Jesus Vince, just peel the damn thing, you’re upsetting me’ or ‘Come on, my son is here, please stop’ or ‘MY EYES MY GOD YOUR FINGERS ARE IN MY EYES’. The prima donnas! I just think they need to open their mind up to different ways of eating.

The stresses and tribulations of modern life really get to a guy. Not enough hours in the day. Why add the burden of peeling this cheese before I take a big ol bite out of the whole thing? Heck, maybe I’ll take a bite out of the side! Sometimes, when I see my reflection, I don’t recognize the person in the mirror. Is God dead? How am I?

I guess I’m just the type of guy to question the norm. We do a lot of strange stuff in the course of everyday life. Personally, I don’t tip. I think that if we want to move to the far superior European system of quality service we have to stop encouraging these antiquated practices. Also, why doesn’t anyone acknowledge the fact that every dog in the world is constantly chanting my name in a ritual that is surely intended to invoke the wrath of the Dark One to afflict my mortal coil? I mean, we all can hear it, right? Why not put a stop to it! Before it’s too late!

im a proDuct of my environment im a product of my environment im a product of my environmEnt im a product of my environment im A product of my environment im a proDuct of my environment im a proDuct of my Environment im A proDuct of my environment iM a product of my environment I’m A product of my environment Im a product of my environment iM a product of my environment im

Whoops! Lost my train of thought there.

Mondays right?!

I remember when I was a kid, and my dad took me to a minor league hockey game. I saw a guy eating peanuts, taking his sweet time to meticulously shell and eat each one. What a waste! I used to throw toads up in the air and watch them splatter on the ground. I trained my body to digest the whole peanut, shells and all. Lotta nutrition in those shells! Sometimes I feel like a Sioux warrior on the plains, never letting any part of the kill go to waste, except it’s peanuts and not buffalo.

I just don’t see the point in wasting time in frivolities. I would like to meet the person who made string cheese. By what process does it actually string? Why not make it a single block of cheese that is, like us God fearing Americans pledge every morning, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all? I imagine that the inventor of string cheese is largely responsible for our slow economy these past few years. It’s true! I read a study! Lotta wasted time.

I just feel like society’s rules hold us back. They tell us where to be, how to behave, how to eat, how to sleep, how to breathe, how to love, how to die, how to kill, how to end, how to never stop never stop never stop never stop never stop ever never stop I need to stop please God. It’s enough to drive a person up a wall!