"But, you'll be better for next season right?", one of my teammate's parents asked me.That is just the thing. There is no next season. No cure. No six months and you'll be good as new. No one ever told me how hard it would be to sit on the sideline of the sport I loved most.
You may see me as happy, bubbly, and supportive, but deep down you can tell that I'm in pain. My back aches, my toes go numb, I can't even stand for consecutive events in a row, but I didn't miss a single event. No one ever told me how much pain I would be in, watching my best friends, my teammates, go on without me.
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When I was told I would never compete again, the doctor didn't tell me how hard it would be for me to cheer on my teammates. All everyone ever says is "Well in time it'll get better, hopefully." No one ever told me how hard it would be to watch my teammates in pain, knowing they could really use my talents other than taking splits on the side of the deck. No one ever told me how often I would feel like I'm letting everyone down. Just because everyone understands, does not mean that I still don't feel like the world is sitting on my shoulders as my back cracks under it. No one ever told me what it would be like to watch what could have been, run right in front of my very eyes.
In my whole swimming career, there has only been one time when I was not in on all the action. That time is now. No one told me what it would be like looking up in the stands and not seeing my parents up there eager and anxious to watch me swim. No one told me what it would be like walking away from a world of competition.
I would trade places with my teammates in a heartbeat. When they are in pain, I feel their pain. I see it in their faces, much like my face, each and every day. Every time someone says, "We really needed you out there", I have to bite my tongue because the athlete I used to be is no longer who I am. No one ever told me what it would be like letting someone down when they needed me the most.
Don't get me wrong, I had a blast cheering on my fellow Richmond Spiders and acting as though I was an assistant coach, but no one ever told me how hard it would be to watch from afar rather than be in the pool, heart-racing, wide-eyed, and ready to go. I wish I could go back and tell myself to cherish these racing moments because little did I know, no one was going to warn me that it would be one of my last athletic endeavors.
