Dear You,
It's taken a lot of courage for me to finally put this out there. And I'm sure you're never going to read this. And I'm also sure if you did so happen to stumble upon this letter, you would brush it off and move on -- like you always do. But that's for another time. I'm here to finally vent, scream, cry, and write it all out for you. I hope you're ready, because I certainly wasn't.
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This is more of sentimental piece for me. I've really honed in on my views on Pokemon, racism, and ableism, since I've joined Odyssey. And be that as it may, I still have so many things to say to you. It's amazing how the time can pass, months can go by, and yet you're still on my mind. It's horrible. So maybe, me finally writing about you will finally expel all the negativity I feel towards you. And maybe, I'll finally be able to look at a Chipotle and not be taken over by sadness.
Okay, first and foremost... I loved you. A lot. And I know what you're going to say, "You fall in love too hard and too fast." It's totally true, too. I find someone who is interested in me, it lasts more than two weeks, and I'm head over heels for that person. It sucks, but that's just me. I believe in love. I believe that love can solve a lot of problems. Certainly, just loving someone or something can't bring eternal happiness, but it can bring peace. I found that in you. Love, peace, and kindness, is what I remember from being with you. Every day, I would see your pretty face (whether it was early in the morning because you had an 8am, or because you were making us breakfast on a Saturday), and I would be overcome with pure love, gratitude, and joy. Seriously, it was ridiculous how in love I was with you. Enamored, I think is an appropriate way to describe it too. From our late night Target runs, to our obsession with Chipotle... It was all so surreal and great.
Maybe that's why it's taken me so long to get over the thought of you.
Because believe me, I got over the "real" you a long time ago, but the thought of you is something I haven't been able to shake for a long time. And that's not because I'm still in love with you, or because I wish I was with you or whatever... No, it's because you ripped out my heart, put it through a shredder, set it on fire, and then ever so violently tried to shove back into the empty cavity of my chest. (Dramatic, huh?) And no, it's because you shattered every good part of my soul, and continued to crush my once-all loving soul in your hands. You made me second guess myself, which is something I don't like doing. You made me second guess my love for you, and for everyone around me. But for that, I'm forever grateful because now I'm stronger and now, I'm growing.
So thank you.
Oh by the way, a little side note for those who don't know me in person, this is what he did to me: We were together from the beginning of September to January of my freshman year of college. I practically lived at his apartment. I would wake up, go to class, and then he'd pick me up, and we'd go play video games at his place until about 3 in the morning. It was bliss. I knew I was in love with him about three weeks into our little rendezvous. Anyway, fast forward to Christmas Break, he asked me to go to his parent's house for two weeks (that included New Year's... a very romantic thing if you have a significant other). I stayed there with him, and his parents, for two whole weeks. It was fantastic, we were in our own little bubble. We watched movies, went out on dates, and just had a lot of fun in those two weeks. I couldn't have been happier then.
Except I totally could have.
The day before we had to drive back to campus, he broke up with me because he wasn't ready for a "serious commitment." Which okay, it hurt, but... It didn't hurt as much as when he three days later, told me that there was another girl he was seeing when I wasn't there. He couldn't decide who he liked more, so he dragged it on with me, only because she lived an hour away. And then, for the whole month of January, he led me on thinking that he was going to choose me, and all of a sudden, he had blocked my number.
And yes, my ex and his girlfriend that he left me for out of the blue -- are in fact, still together.
So I was hurting for a long time, wondering why I wasn't good enough for him. He abandoned me, and replaced me. Within a month. It was horrible, feeling that way for the rest of my freshman year of college. But I found someone else. And the rest is history. (We're still together.)
For anyone that is reading this: I am sorry. If you're hurting because of a broken heart, or even because you're just in a rut... I'm so sorry, but I want you to know that you are not alone. I felt alone that whole time. Maybe because I was so scared of being left again... I isolated myself and it took me a long time, just to leave my room. I didn't go to class, I almost failed that semester, and I lost a huge part of who I was striving to be, who I was wanting to become. I was so afraid of it happening again that I dissociated, and left that girl behind. It was so bad that I don't remember a lot of my second semester. I can only remember bits and pieces. I lost large chunk of time, blocking it out, dreaming of a place where I was loved by someone who didn't deserve my love in the first place. So, if you're reading this and you're broken, I am here for you. And you are not alone.
It's taken until the start of my third year of college to write about this. It's taken me 600 days, which is one year, seven months, and twenty-two days, just to get this out into the public. It's taken me 85 weeks and five days, to finally say:
Your negativity does not control me anymore.
Thank you, for teaching me the true meaning of loving myself. Thank you for teaching me how to get over even the hardest of obstacles. And thank you for leaving me, because I am so much better without you.
With Love,
The Girl You Never Deserved
PS -- I forgive you.
