Nearly 3.3 million American adults struggle with depression, and while society is becoming more accepting and understanding of depression and other mental health issues, many people still don't completely comprehend everything that comes along with mental illnesses. A lot of people, despite numerous scientific studies, don't believe depression is real, or believe that depression is something that can be turned on and off at will. Having struggled with depression for most of my life, I can tell you firsthand that yes, my depression is real, and no, I can't always control it.
Depression might not seem real to you because you've never experienced it, but when I'm sitting alone in a dark room bawling my eyes out for no reason, it's real. When I can't get out of bed because I have no motivation or want to do anything, even the things I love, it's real. When I feel like I'm chained to my bed with no way to escape, it's real. When I'm sitting in class struggling to hold back tears, it's real. When I'm fighting each and every day to overcome my depression, it's real. My depression is real.
If you do believe in depression, you might feel like it's controllable, and while most of the time I can keep my depression at bay, sometimes I just can't. Sometimes it takes everything in me not to completely break down. Sometimes I've been "controlling"my depression for so long, and keeping so many things hidden away, that something as menial as losing my favorite pen will send me into a downward spiral. Sometimes it's just too much for me to handle and everything I've been keeping inside comes pouring out all at once. Sometimes I can't control my depression.
I don't want to feel this way, but I do. I don't want to feel tired and unmotivated all the time. I don't want to randomly cry for no apparent reason. I don't want to hurt the people that I love. I don't want to feel like something is constantly pulling me down. I don't want to be depressed.
Most of the time I'll seem fine, but my depression is always there - breathing down my neck, invading my thoughts, clawing at my insides. Other times I won't talk. I won't want to get out of bed. I'll cry uncontrollably for hours on end. When I get like this just be there for me. Don't tell me to think positive, or that I'm being dramatic, or to get over it. Simply be by my side.
