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Nihilist Thanksgiving Turkey Answers Your Post-Thanksgiving Advice: #BABA 26

Do not deep-fry this advice.

Nov 28, 2016

Nihilist Thanksgiving Turkey Answers Your Post-Thanksgiving Advice: #BABA 26

Hello. It's Amanda. I'm trying to have a relaxing Thanksgiving break, so I invited my good friend Existential Nihilist Turkey to answer your advice. I heard you guys like him. He's good at advice, but not as good as me. Without further ado, here's ENT with some Post-Thanksgiving Advice™.

ENT,

I had a dope Thanksgiving-themed rager and there's Thanksgiving food everywhere. Like, actually everywhere (I found a turkey wing behind my couch. wat.) What should I do?

Clean Dan with a Dirty House, University of PAIN

Clean Dan/Dirty House

Honestly, just leave it there until it rots and stinks up your living room. Then, just move out. Don't let anyone know you're leaving the neighborhood and why your house smells like a three-week old deer carcass. Life's responsibilities are just too much, so just avoid them. Even something as simple as cleaning up your living room after a rager. xoxo ENT

ENT,

So my family didn't have a racist conversation at the dinner table, but they're having racist conversations literally everywhere else. Help?

[no name, no college]

Dear [no name, no college],

Kill your family just like y'all white people killed mine and all those Native Americans. Also, no one likes a racist. piece n blessins 3nT

ENT,

How do you feel about cranberry sauce?

Curious Cassie, UNC

Cassie.

I fucking love cranberry sauce. Gives my meaningless turkey life purpose. ttyl ent

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All names should be "unisex names."

1. Communicating via email can be awkward.

2. Appointments usually accompany weird looks.

3. Introducing yourself to someone is never without a hitch.

4. You’ve probably thought about changing your name.

5. You’re often asked why you have the name you do.

6. You get excited when you meet someone of your gender with your name.

7. You feel awkward when you meet someone of the opposite gender with your name.

8. You’ve had someone say to you, “I knew a [your name], but they were [your opposite gender].”

9. You’ve heard a bad joke/pick-up line or two about your name before.

10. People are surprised when they see you.

11. You’re extra sensitive to other unique or unisex names.

12. You’ve fought with your parents about it.

13. All things considered, you’re happy your name makes you unique.

You know that all of these things apply to you. You'll just never tell.

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1. At least I can't lose you in a crowd!

2. Oh my goodness your skin is like glow-in-the-dark.

3. Can't you just get fake tan?

4. Do you tan or just burn?

5. Your kids are going to look like Casper the Friendly Ghost!

6. *holds arm against your arm* Look how much darker I am compared to you!

7. *holds pale arm against another pale arm* Aw, at least you're darker than her!

8. I laid out by the pool almost every day over break!

9. I haven't used sunscreen since I was, like, five.

10. *adjusts selfie lighting to their face* Oops, where'd you go??

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12. *wears white* Look! You're all one color!

13. You need to get some sun.

14. Aren't you excited for summer?

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We don't buy into these... just like how we don't buy our friends.

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7. "I don't need to buy my friends."

6. "Oh, so I'll bet you love to drink."

5. "Can you tell me some of your secrets?"

4. "What do you do at your meetings?"

3. "Do you guys haze really badly?"

2. "Is it just like in the movies?"

1. "Sororities are so basic."

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6. holds arm against your arm Look how much darker I am compared to you!

7. holds pale arm against another pale arm Aw, at least you're darker than her!

10. adjusts selfie lighting to their face Oops, where'd you go??

11. after working out Your face is SO red!

12. wears white Look! You're all one color!