I have to admit, Election Day caught me off guard this year. Sure, I may have submitted my absentee ballot two weeks ago, but after that, I didn't think of it at all. There were no more debates, no more controversies, nothing but my peaceful little bubble, isolated from the outside nightmare encroaching on my sanctuary. But now that the election is on our doorsteps, I have once again been mired in cynicism.

But I have realized one thing: For me, this has been the election of doublethink. I am not kidding when I say that. I know that I currently hold contradictory opinions about this election. It all comes down to just how I followed it, however. I was so closely integrated into every news event that the mainstream media was churning out that it soon took a primary slot in my memory. I remember the vast majority of thoughts that I have had on the whole process since the very beginning. I remember thinking an article I read back when Trump announced his candidacy on June 16, 2015, was a piece of satire. I remember laughing at "I'm Running For President" or "Just Chillin' In Cedar Rapids" memes for much longer than I'd like to admit. But at the same time, I have felt physical pain from the absolute travesty these last months have proven to be. Allow me to explain why by outlining each major thought that I have felt since this election first popped into the collective unconscious:

1. "There are far too many candidates for this to be a stable debate"

Ever since I first laid eyes on the smorgasbord of candidates on the Republican ticket once the Primary season began, I knew we were in for an absolute blast. I mean, seventeen?! The biggest problem from this arose as soon as one candidate showed dominance over the rest, and we all know who that is. Even if the first Republican debates were staggered into the haves and the have-nots, we still got barely any coverage of the actual opinions of the candidates because there simply wasn't enough time. Although I'm certain that, even with several more hours of debate and only 6 or 7 candidates, we would still be in the same ludicrous place.

2. "Webb, Chafee, O'Malley who?"

The democratic ticket wasn't exactly an angel either. From the start, there were five major candidates. But the moment Hillary announced her candidacy, we all knew how this would end. She's a political powerhouse, and her several-election record of being schooled by Barack Obama gave her enough merit to be his successor in the eyes of the people. So when the other candidates stepped on stage for the first debate, I could only laugh when I forgot the names of Jim Webb, Lincoln Chafee, and Martin O'Malley yet remembered the names of the moderators. We all knew that they were doomed from the start.

3. "Bernie doesn't stand a chance"

Speaking of inevitable downfalls, Bernie Sanders was the spark that galvanized the youth of America. At the time, I was one of them. I felt personally ignored by the Democratic establishment solely because their policies did not really benefit my family; I started from the bottom now I'm here, at the bottom. So the moment that Sanders declared his anti-establishment viewpoint, I was sold, even if I didn't agree with him on everything. I was a fervent supporter of him, yet I knew his future was Sisyphean. I was discouraged when Sanders began to fall behind in the primaries, and more than angry when he finally lost. I couldn't help but ask myself, "are there any other alternatives?"

4. "Good job, GOP!"

Nope. There were none at the time. I'll be honest, I am not a Hillary supporter. Never have been, never will be. I didn't want to vote for her, so my first instinct was to look to Trump. He was guaranteed to be the Republican nominee at the time, so I figured I would take a look and see if the grass on the other side truly is greener. Then Trump opened his mouth again and I was taken aback. He said one thing after another that led me to believe he had less of a filter than I do. But at least I can refrain from making insensitive comments and declaring policies that have no merit behind them! But then he, you know, won the primaries. Granted, I was at least a bit happier when I saw how Mike Pence, his running mate, discussed Trump's policies better than the actual nominee. I still hated everything, but at least I felt even a modicum of happiness.

5. "Good God, DNC!"

At this point, I, begrudgingly, decided I would be voting Clinton this election. Once the Democratic National Convention came along, however, I felt seething rage like never before. Remember that god-awful Drake reference I made two points ago? That sense of pain when you read it for the first time? Maybe it was just me. But regardless, the pain I describe mirrors the way I felt when I read the leaked emails that explicitly outlined how the DNC deliberately shafted Sanders's campaign. I had speculated that this election was Clinton's from the start, but now I had definitive proof. Unfortunately, this drove me even further from a decision, so much so I thought I could not feel any more disdain for a candidate.

6. "Grab 'em by the [pressing political mistakes]"

Little did I know that I was soon to be proven wrong. Even though I hate saying it, I found Trump's words in that tape from 2005 to be one of the funniest things I had heard in a while. Not because I agreed with him, that couldn't be farther from the truth. I found what he said just as disgusting as practically everyone else did. I laughed because I am a connoisseur of gallows humor and cringe. Not only that, but I felt that those five words were the epitome of Trump's campaign: an absolute mess that people tried to cover up but eventually proved to break free from solely its internal pressure.

7. "Gary Johnson is our only hope"

I had been apprehensive when thinking about Johnson as a candidate. I knew about ticket-splitting as a phenomenon that plagues all successful third-party candidates. But once I heard that a significant portion of Sanders supporters was flocking to him after the DNC scandal, I felt like I could actually see myself voting for him. That lasted about 20 minutes before I came to my senses.

8. "The mainstream media has literally ruined everything"

There is a reason why this GIF is one of my favorite of all time. Not only did it make me feel a hint of empathy again when I first saw it, but it also reflects how I feel about the way I feel the media has handled this election. We all know how I feel about the media at the moment, but I would say this election has been the mainstream media's downfall. It revealed that anti-[insert candidate's name here] rhetoric was more important than, you know, the actual truth. Major news sources like CNN, NBC, BBC, FOX News, The Guardian, etc. discarded their journalistic integrity for profitability. They were Jeb Bush; they go on this passionate and clearly farcical rant about how their objectively false biases were the right ones. The only difference is that they say "please clap" by placing the name of the candidate their audience favors. Then they get all of the applause. Only now, the people are legitimately clapping out of enthusiasm while I am sitting at my desk losing all hope.

9. "Bernie FINALLY did the right thing!"

I think I may have legitimately shot out of my chair in the middle of a presentation and screamed "Hallelujah!" when I first read this headline: "Bernie Sanders Abandons Clinton in Final Week". I still had a bit of lingering affection for Sanders, and reading it jump started my hope again. Sanders (and the millions who supported him, for that matter) was shafted by the Primaries and the DNC, yet he still aligned with the very person who undermined him. He called her out on all of her blatantly anti-middle-class biases and her obvious corruption, so I simply could not understand why he would choose to back Hillary Clinton. But not anymore. He actually came out and withdrew his support!

10. "So . . . What now?"

As you can probably deduce from my previous articles and the above statements, I did not vote for President. I voted for everyone else, don't get me wrong, and I acknowledge that someone I detest is going to be inaugurated in January. I just could not bring myself to vote for Trump or Clinton. Yet, at the same time, I actually wanted to both vote for and against both of them, but for different reasons. I wanted to vote Trump because I am tired of the establishment malarkey, the way the presidential candidates say they care about people like me but close the White House door behind them and never look my way again. I thought Trump's anti-establishment rhetoric could work, yet I knew it wouldn't. He would never be able to implement most of his policies because, thanks to, you know, the Constitution, the President does not have the power to temporarily ban Muslim immigration or build that wall or basically everything else he advocated for. I was all-out #HillaryForPrison, but I knew Trump shouldn't be elected. I saw Clinton as the manifestation of contemporary political corruption and a continuation of the same half-assed policies that would accomplish next to nothing. I despised them both equally but for separate reasons.

So, I guess the answer to this question is simply this: "I want to cast my ballot for the American people, thus I cannot vote for any person whose interests are not for the American people, no matter how many times the people who have a stake in the status quo shame me for not falling in line."