In a recent turn of events, with my favorite month drawing to a cold end, I’ve found myself up late at night with a head filled with rushing thoughts. Some of them are pretty, some of them aren’t, but in the time I’ve spent to myself I’ve realized that these thoughts have become an integral part of me, a second voice that I need to allow to speak.
With that being said, I’m going to take you through my typical night.
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10:00 p.m. – I’m so happy I came to college, I feel so loved and accepted, like I have a place in the world. I feel so safe and comfortable with everyone here. This really is nothing like high school, it is so much better.
10:30 p.m.- My grandmother used to sing “You Are My Sunshine” to me all the time. How nice would it be, to be everyone’s sunshine, to turn heads with my brightness and inspire feelings of warmth, comfort, and happiness? How wonderful would it be to show up somewhere and make so many people happy with just your presence?
11:00 p.m.- Sometimes I feel like rose. A large (pretty large) pink rose sitting in a pretty crystal vase, except that the vase doesn’t have any water in it. So, I sit on the windowsill and soak up all sorts of sunshine without any water. When I start wilting, someone finally takes notice and gives me the slightest bit of water, just enough to make me feel more energized until it’s all gone and the process starts all over again.
11:30 p.m.- There are so many people that just come in to my life and make themselves cozy. On one hand, I love that people can feel so comfortable with me. On the other hand, it can be so exhausting to always have a space open and ready for people. It’s like living in a mansion and always having the rooms set up for the next guest to come, but then I have to watch all the other people slowly flood out and leave. A couple of them have made themselves up as permanent fixtures but I still have to wonder if they too will find themselves going through the doors one day.
11:42 p.m.- My phone and playlists are littered with memories that boys, who came into my life, decided to leave behind. Funny pictures, favorite songs, and songs they’d listen to in the depths of the night when they felt like getting lost in something other than themselves. Am I just a stepping stone on their road to self-improvement? Am I meant to be the place they drop off their excess nonsense?
11:59 p.m.-Tomorrow will be another day….
12:00 a.m.- … and it starts now.
And then I typically fall asleep, and start snoring (sometimes loudly enough that my roommate will wake up apparently). It’s tiring how a mind can start so high, get so low, and shoot back up again but it’s also exciting and sometimes, it can do so much to help.
